rewinding to 4 years ago...
Four years ago my brother got bit by a tick in the woods while serving the Lord in Canada on a full-time mission. We didn't know that. But in November of 2008 he got flu-like symptoms, then it just kept getting worse. One thing after another. He came home from his mission in June of 2009 with type 1 diabetes. He kept getting sicker, even though he got control of managing his diabetes much quicker than most people. then he met this amazing girl, Rebekah Jane. What a girl. Strong. Quiet (until you get her out of her shell). Stalwart. This girl is one of the most tenacious people I know. I couldn't handle half the things she has had to experience in her life, and I've got like 7 years on her. They got married in August of 2010, about a year after he came home. A few weeks later, his health plummeted in a steep downward spiral that seemed to have no bottom. He has lived through hell and back over the past 4 years. I won't get into too many details here, because it's his personal story to tell. I have my own hidden posts to let out my feelings, that someday, I'll make sure my kids and parents have access to. But it's still too fresh, and I can't share some of those things with the world, especially not this week.
There have been many times that my baby brother has literally almost died in the past 4 years. I hate recognizing the truthfulness of that statement. It scares the living hell out of me, especially having gone to Kelli's funeral today, for a dear friend whose life was much shorter than anyone ever anticipates. I've seen my kid brother on death's doorstep, multiple times, with my own two eyes. It's more terrifying than words could ever describe. Life is so fragile. We say that as a cliche, but it's truer than we can understand. Almost as bad as witnessing that, is not being able to do a damn thing to help them. I have no power to alleviate pain or to heal, physically or otherwise.
Finally, in March of this year, yes, 2012, my brother was finally diagnosed with late stage Lyme disease. Yes, that disease you talked about in scouts or in preparation for girls' camp. Ticks carry it. Dumb, tiny, little bastard bugs you can barely see. Dumb, tiny little bastard bacteria. Ruins lives. Kills. Eats away at bodies, organs, minds and hearts. So much suffering from something so small. It's a great parable, but I'll save that for another day. I don't really feel like being philosophical today. I'm also not going to apologize for my few words of inappropriate language here. This in my blog, my true words and feelings. Accept it, and please don't judge or criticize, especially when you haven't walked a mile in my shoes.
This past week has been one of those weeks when everything, little things and big things, when all the shit hits the fan. Each thing individually wouldn't push you to your limits, but all piled on at once it gets you right to the edge. Earlier last week, it was a bunch of little things that all just started happening and I was already frustrated and upset, at dumb things that I shouldn't ever let bother me, but I did. Broken tooth. Put my car up for sale, next day it dies. Replace battery for $100. It was the alternator. Estimated repair, $560. I should've sold it 2 weeks ago. Shit. Day car dies, I was heading to Orem to set up for a baby shower. I stop at home to pick up a few things - 6:00pm, my baby baby bro, the 13 yr old, is lying on my parents bed crying and crying. Oh crud. Bekah Jane has Lyme disease now too. Yep. You can get it that way too. No studies on it though, just proof in married, monogamous couples such as my bro and sis-in-law. Shit. Left and right, one thing after another. What a week. (Again, I'm not apologize for my language in these posts, so don't be offended.) What wreck of a week. We all sit around and cry together for a while, then buck up and go get them dinner. A while ago, I posted about feeling angry at God. Those feelings came flooding back. I'm not angry at God right now, but I would love for it to be the weekend. I'd love to feel a little relief from life tonight.
This is me tonight, tired, sad, lonely, and buried in an oversized hoodie. It's okay to be sad friends. I feel like we too often stop ourselves from experiencing the full range of human emotions - especially within the church, because "it'll all be ok because we have the gospel." True, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't allow ourselves to feel the way we feel. We're only human, we have emotions for a reason. Validate yourself and your emotions by experiencing them. Cry. Laugh. Hurt. Curse if you must (I obviously do, it's cathartic for me, and not many things are). But FEEL.
Folks, life is not fair. Obviously. That shouldn't be any lighting bolt to anyone, but sometimes I feel like it hits me that way over and over again. I'm restraining from sharing so many things right now. My fingers are tired. My heart is tired. It's kinda been an emotionally hellacious week. Oh, and to top it all off, work sucks this week, big time. It's stressing me out.
I've been so stressed out I woke up 2 days ago with this ginat coldsore, which you can't really see in this picture. Sorry, that is gross. But when I get stressed, that happens.
Just when I've made a big decision to pick up my life and move, AGAIN, and start over, AGAIN, everything around me starts falling apart. That means that I'm either, 1) doing something right and Satan is a dirty little bastard and is trying to make me doubt my decision, or 2) I'm doing something wrong and God is trying to stop me. Mostly, I feel like it's Satan, so I'm gonna go with that.
For all those who missed the memo, I'm moving across the country to DC..well, Virginia to be specific. Mostly, people that really love me have been uberly, gushingly ecstatically supportive. But I've also gotten plenty of well-meaning judgments and criticism - "you should really put down some roots and just give one place some time," or "you'll never catch a man if you keep moving as much as you do," or "why would you ever wanna move to the East Coast, there are so many awful democrats there." BARF. Stop judging my life. Stop pretending like you understand anything about where I'm at in my life, because you don't. So back off. Be a Christian like you profess and love me unconditionally despite my life choices, my sins, or my marital status. And for the record, leaving Utah is not a bad choice for me, nor is it a sin, nor is being unmarried a sin, nor am I a failure. Thanks.
That was a good rant, had to get it out somewhere. That's all I've got energy for right now. More to come soon though.
"Faith is not knowing what the future holds, it's knowing WHO holds the future." I know Who does, so that's pretty much all that's important. Even when stuff keeps coming out of left field, or when you seem to be heading down a path and then you veer and take a sharp left turn, it usually turns out good in the end, for which I am grateful.
