Christmas. Cruise. Craziness. Coolest Family Ever.

A brief update, pictures to follow......

December 18 - Fly to Orlando, FL. It was freezing, like in the 30's, felt like Utah. So cold!

December 19 - Board the world's largest cruise ship, with 4500 other passengers. Complete with ice skating rink, miniature golf course, rock climbing wall, on ship surfing thing-a-ma-jig, 17 decks, way too much food, movie theater, multiple dance clubs, multiple restaurants, insanity. Word.

December 20 - Day at sea. I think I literally fell asleep Sunday night (the 19th) and slept til Monday afternoon. I must've needed it.

December 21 - Rough water, so trip to CocoCay, Bahamas cancelled. 2nd day at Sea. More sleeping, only this time outside by the pool, in the sunshine. Also read 2 books. Sweet. Oh, and I totally ate it on the wet pool deck. My knee was the size of a football and currently still looks like a nasty eggplant. 

December 22 - Visit to St. Maarten island, a Dutch/French colony. Beautiful beaches. Fun shopping. And ridiculously fun rides on a banana boat with my sibs and bro-in-law. 

December 23 - Visit to St. Thomas, part of the US Virgin Islands. We spent the day at a beautiful private beach called Secret Harbor. Fantastic, soft white sand, amazing snorkeling with turtles and tropical fish, and large wild iguanas that kept trying to run across our towels, nearly giving me multiple heart attacks. They're kind of ugly scary looking creatures. 

December 24 - Another peaceful day at sea. More reading, more sleeping, more laying in the sun, mini golfing, games with the family, and just good times.

December 25 - Merry Christmas! Our final day at sea. Lots of relaxing, dressing up for a fancy Christmas dinner, sharing time with family, and mass caroling with 3500 other passengers. Pretty awesome.

December 26 - Sad day...cruise was over. Got back to Orlando - even colder than it was before. At least I was heading back to sunny California! 

It was a peaceful Christmas holiday with my entire family. It was my sister-in-law's first time on a plane, her first time in the ocean, first time on a boat, etc. What a blast!

Pictures to come soon.  :)

Happy Holidays!

C.O.T.

Circle. Of. Trust.

As a fair warning, this post is likely going to be very random, emotional, and completely nonsensical to most of you. I apologize for that. But tonight I just need to write, and get some of it out.

I miss having a best friend. I miss the love, the communication, the trust, the bond, having that person to depend upon and that person you want to talk to and tell them about your day. It's hard to go from having that special connection on a daily basis, to living alone, in a new place, not knowing anybody. It takes a lot of time to build meaningful, trusting relationships. And sometimes in the process of that time, you get lonely. And I don't mean the kind of lonely where you just miss having people around, I mean the kind of deep, inner, aching loneliness for the most sincere kind of human connection. I miss that.

And it's hard to go from having that, to having none of it. Add on top of that emptiness the fact that your family is completely falling apart, and everybody that you love more than life itself is a disaster, and my heart aches more than I can bare sometimes - such as tonight. 

I deserve to be loved. I am lovable. I love myself. I love God. And I love others. Deeply. Passionately. Compassionately. I have a world of goodness, gifts, service and light to share, but I feel as though not a single person really cares or recognizes any of it. All I want is for somebody else to see how great I am and just love my stinkin guts.

I miss Kristy Kadish. I miss my Sue-bear. I miss Neeley-chka. I miss Miss Katie. I miss Mirm. I miss my C-Monster. I miss Hansenita. I miss Grace. I miss my family being healthy and happy and laughing. I miss hugs, real hugs. And tender hand squeezes letting you know that it's all going to be alright. I miss my 17 year old body. I miss sleep. I miss feeling well rested. I miss thinking that finals were the hardest thing ever and the worst week every 4 months. I miss knowing that after finals, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I miss wanting to take a real risk by letting your heart go to another human being - but I'm tired of being heart broken over and over and over. 

I'm tired of selling myself short. I'm tired of plowing through 10 hour days at work, watching families destroy each other through the evil and selfishness of divorce. I'm tired of giving giving giving all the time, and putting on a pretty good act as if my bucket is always overflowing. 

Sometimes our gifts are part of our struggles, weird huh. 

I'm exhausted, and clearly emotional. I'll get over my self pity, but I just needed to spill over a little bit. Sorry for the personal indulgence. I'm off to bed, tomorrow will be bright again.

Loves. 

B

strange...

it's strange to have a doctor tell you that there is a medical reason for all of these things about your body that you just thought were normal, because you've lived with it your whole life. it's even more strange that a doctor can give you a tiny little pill to fix such a tiny big thing that controls so much in your body. just weird.

i got diagnosed this week with autoimmune thyroiditisosisosisososos....just kidding, I just don't know how to spell it or really say it. basically, it's hypo-(low)0thyroidism. my thyroid gland is about 1/2 the size it should be, and barely functions at all. i don't know why it took me so long to get it tested. all it took was a simple blood test. my sister had been nagging me about it forever, because she also suffers from low thyroid function, and so does my dad, and brother, and I think my mom does, and both of my grandmothers did too. you'd think I would've had that checked out a LONG time ago. but i never really thought anything was wrong. i finally went and got the blood work done because my dad basically made me, because there are SO MANY autoimmune disorders running ramped in my family, that he thought I should just finally get it done. so i did.

turns out that i've most likely had a severely low functioning thryoid gland since i was a kid. it's genetic in my case, from both sides of the family. however, because I was SUPER active all the way through high school, meaning hard core sports every day, several hours a day, for years on end, I probably saved myself a lot of the more severe symptoms of a low thyroid. but, all these other things I've just had my whole life that i thought were just normal to me, are actually symptoms. many of these include: my eczema (dry skin) all over my body, the fact that I bruise very easily, have always suffered from severe sinus problems despite where I'm living and the environment, the aching in my shins and joints (not from soccer), struggling with losing weight despite exercise and healthier eating, being constantly exhausted (which I always attributed to the insanity of my life and busy schedule, which it does play a part, but it's likely much more genetically influenced), etc.etc.etc. I could go on. All of these little things that I never thought much about - are all directly connected to my lack of thyroid function. weird huh?

your thyroid essentially controls your metabolism, or the rate at which all of your cells function and regulates all your cells and tissues. when there is a lack of hormone produced by your thyroid, all of your bodily functions slow down. and I never knew. wow.

somehow, I've been able to fight against it for so long, still suffering the effects of this autoimmune disorder, and get by. in jr.high and high school i beat a lot of the symptoms off because I played sports so much. in the rest of my life I seem to have just dealt with it unknowingly, not functioning at my best capacity. I think if I was a lot lazier person, I would probably see more of the severe signs of it. however, because I'm a crazy person, work super hard and am always on the go, I've always attributed my weariness and fatigue to my hectic lifestyle. boy was I wrong......

it will be interesting to see how the medication helps and if I really do start gaining more energy and feeling overall healthier. i don't really know anything else than what I've known about my body my whole life, so I feel like I might be in for a shock. strange.

that's all.

merry christmas...

I feel happy tonight. I put up a Christmas tree tonight! Yeah! And some other decorations. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and helped me not feel so lonely, even though I'm still totally alone tonight as I sit here listening to the waves. Here is a lousy phone picture of my tree.

I had a couple more pictures, but they're not loading properly. Oh technology. 

Anyway, I'm beat, and have way too much to get done this weekend still. I'm not sure, but I think you should feel relaxed at the end of the weekend, and recharged for a new week - but lately, I'm more exhausted by Sunday night than I ever have been. Monday morning is even worse than usual these days. 

Merry Christmas from the beach, where my star atop the tree is a starfish! 

Loves. 

-B