paintballing, demolition, aggression, and fun!

i've written content for a couple of paintballing sites now for my copywriting job.......it makes me want to go paintballing.

i've never been. my dad and brother used to go a lot. i was always jealous. I want to go. i need to look up  places, rental fees, etc. then find at least one buddy. then i'm going. seriously.

who doesn't want to run around with a high speed semi-automatic furiously firing painful balls of paint at each other in the woods, or the desert, or at a set-up playing field? i imagine it to be like hitting a punching bag - well, at least having the same effect.

fun. ir viskas. 

i don't wanna grow up, i'm a toys-r-us kid.....

Lately I've been feeling like I have to grow up or something...i'm in some transitional phase where everything in my life is leading me towards that awful, scary word - adulthood! hahaha. it makes me laugh sometimes. When I actually was a little kid, I always wanted to be a grownup, and my daddy would constantly tell me, "Beth, don't be in such a rush to grow up." Of course I never listened, and now that I'm sorta, maybe, beginning, or rather being forced by life to grow up in certain ways, I wish I would've listened. That's hindsight bias for you though right? 

My little brother, who's now 11 years old and at that age where he teases and jokes about everything, always reminds me that I'm now a "quarter of a century old," he thinks he's quite funny. 

Anyway, on my 25th birthday, I happened to be in California with my family (before I moved out there) and we decided that it would be awesome to come up with "25 Things to do with a Quarter" in honor of my 25th birthday. We started making a list, but never really finished it and never completed the ones that we did write down. So, my goal this week is to come up with a total 25 things, and then to complete them. 

I just need to feel like a kid again. So, tonight, I'm starting with #1 - ride on one of the kiddie rides outside K-Mart or Toys'R Us, or wherever they may be.

Please leave any ideas you have in my comments......

Thanks, and here's to being a kid!

weddings, lots and lots of weddings

i'm sitting in my hotel room right now here in spokane, washington. my grandma is asleep on the other bed, and I am trying to hold in my tears. this is all going to sound so lame, but some of you will understand my feelings.

today was a beautiful day here in washington, not a cloud in the sky. the columbia river temple is gorgeous, inside and out. it is set amidst the backdrop of the deep blue columbia river and surrounded by lush green pines. it was perfect. which only adds to the complexity of my swirling emotions.

the bride was beautiful - so were her flowers ;). the groom cried more than she did, awesome. the ceremony was perfect. i cried. my mom cried. my dad cried. my sister cried. I don't think my bro-in-law cried. my younger brother and sister probably cried, or felt sad at least, that they couldn't actually go to my bro's wedding because they're too young.

my brother and his new wife are just fantastic together. she is very loving, kind, patient, and nurturing. and she's brave. and courageous. i admire that about her. she's taking on a lot at a very young age. I didn't really know very much about myself at age 20. i love her, a lot.

i counted, and i've been to 8 weddings since january....no, not just receptions - wedding ceremonies, in LDS temples. that's an average of 1 per month. i've been to a lot more than that in my life, and had the opportunity over and over to listen to the wedding ceremony. and this is where i start to fall apart. what more beautiful, heavenly, powerful thing can you experience? (maybe having kids someday will evoke similar feelings...I don't know) i feel blessed to have been able to listen and hear the promised blessings from our loving father in heaven, which blessings belong to those of us who make and keep our promises with him and with our spouses. i'm glad that someday when I get married, it won't be the first time i've heard it. i've heard it over and over and over again.

that being said - it was hard to be at my little brother's wedding. if it weren't for his diabetes, he'd just be getting home from his mission this month, not getting married. but I don't understand God's plan. i really can't see very much of it. i don't have His perspective. i feel like God is constantly having to bang me over the head, reteaching me how to be patient, day in and day out. what is it that i'm not learning? why can't I just find more of the missing puzzle pieces? why do i feel like i have blinders on?

point is, sometimes I'm just plain tired of being alone.  i don't want to be alone my whole life. i enjoy my solitude - more than a lot of people in fact. believe it or not, i'm much more of an introvert, a reflective, contemplative, would rather be with just one or two people than a crowd - althought some of you may argue that. but, i don't want to be alone forever. we're meant to share life with others. we may not be meant to be together 24/7, 365 days a year, but we're definitely meant to be together. period.

so as i sit here on my hotel bed, trying to be quiet enough to not wake up grandma - i cry. not the sobbing, stomach heaving kind of crying, yuck. but the big alligator tears that just swell up in your eyes and slowing roll down your face kind of crying. and in my pit of self-pity right now, i'll make my most selfish statements of the night, so please don't judge me. i don't mean this to be selfish, but it's just how i feel.

i'm tired of going to everyone else's weddings.

i'm happy for them. i want people to have that joy. but i want in on it too. don't judge. i'll be over this moment of crying and self-centered jealousy by morning. but right now, I'll cry, and i think that's ok.

like i said, complex emotions for me today. i'm truly exhuberantly happy for my brother and his wife, no doubt about it. add a twinge of self-pity, a scoop of selfish wants, sprinkle on a little guilt for feeling jealous on somebody else's wedding day, and throw the average wedding chaos and drama on top just for a sparkling effect - and then you've got beth's weekend wedding sundae. :) too dramatic? I know. sorry. a little self-indulgence. that's it. i'm stopping now.

sorry this was so long, and all about me, me, me.

goodnight.

Meh-wedge, meh-wedge is what brings us togeder today.....

Tomorrow morning, Friday the 13th, I'm going to hop on a plane to Washington state. 

My baby brother will get married here:

The Columbia River Temple, of the LDS Church.

The ceremony will be simple and beautiful. The doctrine pure and true.

I will undoubtedly cry, probably a lot, for a lot of reasons.

I've been to a lot of weddings, and a lot of LDS wedding ceremonies in LDS temples.

There is nothing like it. There is nothing I want more than to experience it for myself someday.

That's really all I have to say about it right now - well, that's really all I can say about it right now. I have a lot of emotions and many more thoughts that I could share, but that which I have written sufficeth me for now.