monday monday.

i don't feel like i have much to blog about right now. nothing too exciting is happening. i get  up, go to work when it's still dark. i work all day. i leave work when it's dark. i might have to work on this. like walking a half hour during lunch or something so I get some sort of daylight and progression of time, and to simply keep my sanity.

today was definitely a monday. not that i was feeling bad about monday. but when i got on the elevator at work, there were 4 other people, all with the monday morning woes. frowns. squinty eyes and yawns. and very large cups of coffee. at least the elevator smelt like delicious, aromatic coffee. and one person in particular that i work with was very grumpy all day. which just makes it difficult to strive to be the happy one all day. especially when you're the one needing to ask all the questions. you don't want to nag a grumpy person.

now i need to go to sleep.

goodnight.

happy friday

so i feel like the last post might've come off rather negative and depressing. i didn't really mean it to be, but it was a rough few days, and i was just extremely tired and adjusting to new things, and i really do hate seeing my brother in so much pain. but it's ok. i'm good. i promise.

today, gratefully, is friday. thank goodness.

i started my new job this week on monday. i'm a legal assistant for this amazing attorney who practices family law. he also happens to be LDS. he also happens to be the bishop of a local ward here in orange county. i have been astounded by his energy, his enthusiasm, his passion for helping others and improving families' happiness. i honestly don't know how he does it all. he works so hard all day every day. then he goes home and does his bishop stuff every day. and he's a father of 5, and husband of one wonderful, incredible woman. i repeat, i don't know how he does it all. he has more passion for protecting families than just about anyone i've ever met. it's awesome. i love my job. i love the people i work with. i feel like i'm learning a 3rd language, which to be honest, i am. law definitely has so much vocabulary that it is its own language.

i'm tired. i think i'll go take a nap and start my laundry. i'm so pooped this week i don't even feel like attempting to do anything social this weekend, at all. except go to church. but that's not for social purposes.

goodnight. happy friday. :)

exhausted. frustrated. angry.

it's only tuesday night, yet it feels like friday at 3pm. this isn't a complain post, just a simple stating of the facts in my life this week. and i'm too tired and too lazy right now to even use appropriate capitalization or punctuation.

my little bro flew in on Saturday night. he had a dr's appt on monday.

i told you about my employment craziness last week. i started at my new job monday - yesterday. i actually really enjoyed my first day of work. i'm now officially learning my 3rd language - the law. my head is overflowing with new vocabulary, which is exciting and I actually feel like I'm working, and learning lots of new things, and it's exhausting, in a good way. sad part is, I work for an attorney who only does family law. which in orange county the vast majority of that means divorce. messy, heated, angry divorce. families torn apart. children in therapy. custody battles. changing visitation rights. domestic violence. restraining orders. sad. not a depressing work environment though, i love the people i work with and the fun we have. just a sad subject matter that makes me even more cautious yet determined to make marriage work no matter what, once i get there.

monday night i was supposed to take my bro to the airport so he could fly back home. but he had an extremely severe reaction that caused him to be unable to travel home. i won't go into details, it's not my place. but suffice it to say that i've never seen my brother in so much pain, or so uncomfortable. i hate being completely helpless - to see my brother, who I would literally do anything for in the world, and not be able to do a dang thing. i can't take away any of his pain. i can't even make him more comfortable. 

i hate type 1 diabetes.

i hate rheumatoid arthritis.

i hate that someone i love more than life suffers from both of them at the same time.

i hate that there are no cures for either chronic disease. 

i hate it all yet understand that life is not fair. that doesn't mean it's ok and it doesn't make it any easier. i know the gospel is true, and beyond anything else that the atonement is real, but that doesn't take away 100% of our pain all the time. yet too often the culture of the church treats it like the opposite is true. 

i hate being able to do nothing. it's against my very nature of nurturing.

can you tell i'm frustrated about it? for the past 3 days all i wanted to be able to do was to fix it, to make it better in any way. but i couldn't. i didn't sleep last night because i had to keep checking on him to make sure he hadn't passed out from low blood sugar because he was so nauseous he couldn't eat anything. one bite or one swallow of anything just kept coming straight back up. i literally didn't sleep at all. 

then i got up at 6:30 am to go to work, like an adult. i worked from 8-6. i drank 3 bottles of diet dr. pepper and still barely  made it through the day awake. i could hardly focus. i was worried about my brother all day. i wanted to be there to take care of him. luckily he laid at home and slept all day. he's still not feeling great, but not vomiting anymore. then our neighbor drove him to the airport cuz i had to work still. i didn't even get to say goodbye. sad. i hope he starts feeling better soon, and that his drs find some good pain meds that will help him get more comfortable and address some of his symptoms, both for his diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis.

now i'm home. exhausted to the bone. 9 hour days at work after nights of no sleep are long. but then we get off at NOON every friday. rock on. 

i'm so tired i'm not even going to institute tonight. i know that's bad. but i just drove a half hour home, and i'd have to drive a half hour back to institute. i'll go tomorrow night for sure though. i think i'll sit here and watch GLEE instead. yes. I am a gleek. 

it's only tuesday. 

No Puking Involved

Good morning, good morning! Apparently people are anxiously awaiting to hear how yesterday night went. I'll get to that, but let me recap the day first - no skipping to the end friends.

7:34 am - my property manager show's up in my bedroom with 2 plumbers, both who happen to be attractive young men.....I'm totally asleep in my bed, in my g's.....why didn't they knock? Awkward start to the day. *gulp*  And why don't people keep normal business hours? Or call before barging in? Haha! Oh wait, she did call and leave a voicemail, but I get no reception, literally. Oh well, at least I had a blanket.

10:00 am - start new job.

****Backtrack*****

9:15 am - brushing my teeth, house phone rings. It's Dan, Mr. Mormon attorney. Nice guy who I interviewed with a few times, but he ended up deciding to hire someone who "had 25 years experience working in family law," but he really did like me, it's nothing personal, promise. He laughs and says, "Beth I have a funny life story for you, and then I want to know if you'll come work for me." He proceeds to tell me about how he hired this woman with all that experience, she shows up the first day and doesn't know the first thing about anything - oh great. Apparently she totally lied and puffed up her resume. Day 2 of her job, he shows up, she had left him a voicemail, quitting. Thus, calls me, relays this story, and says, "so I should've hired you in the first place like I thought. I'll start you at ____ per hour, benefits after 90 days, etc.etc.etc. what do you think? Will you come work for me?" Me, kindly thank him for the offer but explain that I start a new job today, and I need some time to think it over. He surprisingly says, "oh that was fast. Yeah, but I need to know soon, can you call me by tomorrow afternoon?" Yes, yes I'll call.

9:30am - Leave for work, at my 1st day at my new, part-time job.

Spent all day contemplating my dilemma, working, deciding which path would be most beneficial all around. After spending the day at work, I got an ok feel of what it would generally be like at that job. Spoke to my boss with frankness about the situation before me. He was sad because he felt like we'd work great together, but running a small family biz from home, as an entrepreneur, he couldn't offer me any more money right then, and could honestly never offer any benefits - they have a hard time with their own health insurance as small biz owners.....even worse w/Mr. Obama's implementations (Sorry if any of you are Obama supporters, I'm just stating a simple fact). But he was very kind and understanding, and wished he could offer something to keep me.

5pm - get home from work. Get ready for date. At least one thing was going to start out great - I knew I looked good, which makes me feel good, which definitely helps in the confidence arena. :)

7pm - meet at his place (he lives north of me like 30 minutes.....so it made no sense to backtrack, cuz we were heading north to Anaheim). He drove, even though I asked him. Very gentlemanly.
Dinner at Pei Wei Asian Diner, yummy yum yum! Good food, good conversation. Much laughter over our fortune cookie future telling. Then it was off to the car show. The whole night was a blast. Very casual. No stress. No awkwardness whatsoever. He's definitely a gentleman, which is always refreshing.

I don't know if he'll ask me out in the future or not, but we definitely just had a fun time. And if we don't go out again, oh well. If nothing else, it was helpful for 2 things - boosting my confidence, and helping me in my car shopping woes. (I have to buy a car in January)

Oh, and no tossing of the cookies all night = success.   :)

Why was I all stressed out?

boo

i woke up to the sound of a consistent dripping this morning. no it was not the pouring rain outside or the ravaging winds that woke me....it was the pesky little dripping noise.

i have a leak in my bedroom ceiling. no bueno.

the water coming out is yellow-ish orange. also no bueno.

plumber might not be able to make it til tomorrow. double no bueno.

hopefully it doesn't get too much worse.

the end.

Tuesday has proven to be much better than Monday....

I know, mind blowing right, 2 posts in less than 24 hours! Sometimes I feel like blogging, sometimes I don't.

This morning I actually felt like venting about how exhausted and frustrated I am trying to find a job. Don't get me wrong - I'm still working on my OCD Solutions business, but running a business requires money. Which requires some sort of income. And I have to start paying rent soon, and buy myself a car soon - all of those things require much larger amounts of money than I am currently producing for myself. And this morning, it was raining again, and I was feeling gloomy and not looking forward to applying for more jobs and selling used furniture on craigslist for my current, temporary job. However, there was the possibility of a glimmer in the day. I had an interview scheduled at noon.

And guess what? I got the job! Woot woot! I start tomorrow at 10am. I'm stoked. I'll give you more details later, but it's just up my alley and I'm really excited. For now, I've got a bunch of furniture to sell online.

Cheers.

Caution: Puking may ensue soon

You might all think that I'm sick or something by the title of this post, but you would be wrong. Well, not necessarily. I'm not physically ill, but rather love sick you could say. Let me expound.

When it comes to the opposite sex, I am a disaster. I don't know anything about them. Whenever there is a guy that I am even semi interested in, I get so nervous and I tense up every time I even see them. Awkward. That's what it comes down to. I turn into a totally awkward mess of nervousness and anxiety. Which is exactly what happened tonight.

I've been secretly crushing on this boy in my ward ALL summer. But I could definitely use some lessons in the world of flirting and the games necessary in the world of dating. I could barely muster up the courage to talk to him all summer, or at least nothing more than a smile and hello. However, lately I've decided that I need to take more initiative or nothing will ever happen. So for the past month since I got back to California I've been working on that in very small ways, such as sitting by him at a fireside, making sure I actually say something more than hello every time I see him, etc. I know that doesn't sound overly significant, but it's major progress for me.

This past weekend was general conference, and my friend Crystal and I decided last minute to invite friends over for breakfast before the Sunday morning session. This boy was the only one who ended up coming, (besides Crystal and I), and about 4 other people who were going to come slept in late and missed it. So the 3 of us spent all day together, watching conference, walking on the beach, eating way too much, etc. It was such a blast, so comfortable and not awkward at all. During the day I came to find out that he really loves cars and actually knows what he's talking about when it comes to cars. Perfect! 

I got these 2 free tickets to the Orange County Auto Show this coming weekend. So, Crystal has been prepping me all day to ask him tonight at FHE. After FHE was over, he was there, I was there, I could feel my nerves giving way. I couldn't do it. I felt this epic failure coming on, that I was so nervous I wouldn't even do it. But then something overtook me - maybe 4 months of distant admiration, who knows. I walked right up to him as he was getting ready to leave, asked him if he wanted to go Thursday night, he said yes, and we're going. I'm absolutely positive that my face was bright red and I had disaster written all over me. 

But he said yes, that's the important part. After he left, I literally thought I was going to pass out and had to walk outside to get some fresh air in the rain. I know that sounds SO lame, but I literally turn into a pile of mush when I'm around him. But asking him out on a date.......that definitely maxes out my courage for quite a while. 

And I definitely don't like asking guys out in general. I find it such a tricky balance between being too forward....and never dating at all. I think that if a guy is interested, he should ask the girl out. But it just doesn't go both ways, because if a girl asks a guy out, she's too bold and that's scary and too forward as previously mentioned. But I figure, I can sit around and keep trying to just let it happen, or take a big scary risk but at least make some progress or change either way, right? Any thoughts? 

The rules of dating have obviously changed since the picturesque, idealistic image of the 1950's, when men were men, and women were women, and people fell into the appropriate roles (most of the time, there are obviously always outliers). But what are the new rules? There is so much ambiguity and confusion about it all, especially to me in Mormon culture where traditional gender roles still hold much more true than in other cultures of our society.

Anyway, that's what I'm feeling. Confusion. Anxiety. Total excitement that I'm going to learn all about cars with a super great guy on Thursday night. Nervous that I've overstepped my bounds or intimidated or will scare away because I asked him out. Ugh. Aaarrrrggggghhhhhhh. Someone just needs to write a rule book about it. Does anybody have the answers? 

And that leads to more questions when it comes to girls asking guys out. For example - who drives? If the girl drives, does the guy still open her door for her? The list goes on and on........

Somebody please give me a manual on all this, or I might be single - *imagine Small's voice from Sandlot* F-O-R-E-V-E-R!

I think I might puke soon. It's been a few hours since this encounter took place, and I'm still as nervous as if I was standing in front of him. 

Wish me luck, and pray that I can keep myself composed on Thursday night. Any thoughts on dinner? I was maybe thinking Cheesecake Factory - I've never been there, but I've heard people love it and it's in the medium price range. Please share your ideas. 

Sorry this was so long. The end.