nothing in particular

So, as you all know by now, I am working at St. Peter’s Lutheran Church in Midtown Manhattan. It really is quite a little gem and I am becoming more fond of this place every single day. After the first week, I still wasn’t really feeling like I could live in Manhattan long term, and I was thinking 6 weeks could be perfect. But it really is growing on me…both the city, and this job, this church, and mostly the people in it. 

The more you move around (which I do more frequently than most people), the more you realize and understand that it’s really all about the people in your life that matters the most. It’s the relationships that mean more than anything, and those are really the only things we carry with us forever.  Leaving California was hard for me because I had to leave so many people that I had come to love and treasure dearly. Leaving my job didn’t kill me, nor my calling (it was sad yes), not even leaving the beautiful beach and views in San Clemente (unbelievable right?)…just leaving behind important relationships, cherished friendships, love and support. Every place has new views…ie. the beach was a little slice of heaven, but the Manhattan skyline is pretty amazing too. Pedro’s Tacos, yum…but NYC, come on, there is food all around to die for. Every new place has so much to experience, so much to learn about and to learn from. New people to meet and appreciate. New food to be eaten. New paths to walk and endless places to discover. New favorites to be found. Maybe those are some of the many reasons that I can’t seem to stay situated for longer than a couple years. Is that weird?

As a kid, I was a TOTAL homebody. I would cry when my parents went on vacation until I was like 13. Home was always the ultimate place of comfort for me. My older sister was always the one to be happy to leave, get away, etc. But not me. I was perfectly content at home. Safe. Comfortable. Known. How I pulled such a stark 180 degree turn around, who knows. Seriously, think about it with me…..since I graduated from high school, I lived in Hawaii for 2 years, SLC for a while, Lithuania and Latvia for 1.5 years, Provo for a couple years, California for a couple years, now in New York City for who knows how long (more to come on that), and have visited nearly 20 countries. I can decide to move to NYC one day, and a week later be living and working there – navigating the metro and buses like a pro. Change is so refreshing to me. So healthy. So powerful, meaningful, and invigorating. It breathes renewed life into me somehow. Maybe, I need to find a man who works for the state department, so we can move to a new country every 2-3 years. Awesome. But then I think about having kids, and I want to have a stable home and environment for them to grow up in……..but then again, a stable home has nothing to do with being a permanently located physical home. Which brings to me another point that I have been reflecting on and again, so grateful for amidst all the change.

The gospel. The true and living and one and only Church of Jesus Christ. No matter where I go, in the ENTIRE WORLD, it’s there. Again, that stable home principle. I can go the church any Sunday in any part of the world (except mainland China and maybe a handful of other places, soon to be changing), and it’s the same. I love that. It ALWAYS keeps me grounded. I’m inexplicably grateful for that. The only other thing in my life that can even compare to that stability, is my family. So that’s it…my family and the gospel. And as I move around and life changes, my family grows, not only by marriage and births, but new relationships with those who used to be strangers can become family. There are probably 5-10 people in my life, outside of my immediate family, who I consider to truly be family. They provide that stability, that same bond and relationship, love, and ability to keep me grounded no matter where I fly. What a blessing. Seriously.

The things I want to keep writing will just take me in circles, so I’ll probably wrap it up for now. Thanks for listening. And if any of you have any contacts in the floral/wedding/event industry in NYC…let me know.

observations from life in upper harlem

hi folks, sorry I haven't blogged in a while - life has been a bit busy since I got to nyc and I am computer-less. yes, my computer died, as in the motherboard and power and everything pretty much blew up, after only 2.5 years of fairly trusty service. I have yet to find the will power and finances to purchase a new one that I really love. I think I honestly might just wait a couple months and save up and get a macbook finally. stupid pcs. if i spend over $600 on something, it should last more than 2 years, ya know? I mean, is that really too much to ask? Then again, buying a macbook would cost me the same as my first car cost me...but guess what, my first car that I bought for $1200 is still running. Yes, a 1994 mind you, and still going strong on the streets of Orem, even in blustery winter. I'm pretty sure there is a conspiracy in the computer industry to make sure everything breaks down IMMEDIATELY after your warranty runs out. The end.

But, this post is certainly not meant to be a ranting and venting session about my crappy HP computer blowing up. Sorry. Over it now... until I decide to go drop an entire paycheck on a new one, then I'll probably be bugged for another second or so.

anywho, this is really an update for my 3 faithful readers on life as of late, meaning, life in new york freaking city. that's right. for those of you just joining us tonight, I moved to the big apple last week - Harlem to be precise. I've had lots I want to write and remember, but I'll try and keep it simple with a list. I like lists. They keep me organized...and those of you who really know me, know that i'm slightly OCD, but my Dad would call me beyond OCD - I don't think I am, just compared to his "organized chaos." So here are some things so far about my experience in new york.

1. I work in midtown, about 10 blocks from grand central station. I live about 100 blocks north of work...in Harlem. My Mom worries about that. It didn't help when I jokingly told her that every subway stop as I head north toward home, more and more white people get off at every stop. I'm quite literally usually the only white person getting off at my stop (unless my roommate is with me, which rarely happens). I said it jokingly (even though it's 100% true), trying to make her laugh about it with me...think again Beth. I'm pretty sure it only made her worry more. Sorry Mom. I really do feel like the Lord protects me every single day though. I have never felt unsafe or uncomfortable yet. Not once. I hear police and ambulance sirens all the time from my work and my apartment, but not once when I have stepped outside have I heard them, or seen them, or felt worried in the slightest.

2. People are generally just good, whether you're living in Harlem or Orem, Utah. New Yorkers are known for being "hard" or "cold" and "unfriendly."  I've only been here a week, but I don't think that's really true at all. People are just people. I think here in NYC most of us are much like M&Ms, hard outer shell, melts fast once you get past that shell. On my mission I made it a habit of enjoying doing experiments with this too - if you smile at someone and make eye contact on the subway, or the street as you pass, 9 times out of 10 that person will smile back and even say hello.

3. I have been hit on more in the last week since living here than I have in the past like 10 years. Apparently, all the men in Harlem like a curvy white woman. Haha. Love it. Mostly, it just makes me feel good about myself.   :)

4. Even though I'm living with one of my best friends, the city really actually can be a very lonely place. Maybe some of you have experienced what I mean. It's easy to feel like you're jut buried in it all. One tiny rat in a giant maze of rats, both above and below ground, all of us like little rats running on and off every train and bus and taxi on this island called Manhattan. We're all just crammed into this cage, pushing through crowds, shuffling and racing around, avoiding eye contact, being shut out to the world, with our earphones in everywhere we go. It's easy to look up at the massive giants above you that disappear into the clouds and feel completely insignificant. It's easy to be in a such a place, to see others around you succeeding or struggling so desperately, and question the direction and purpose of your own life. To wonder if your goals are enough, or how you can be better at helping the rest of the 6 billion people on this planet who need a lot more than you do. Like I said, it's easy to feel lonely and insignificant in such a place as New York City.

5. Feet. Did you know that feet are the most commonly neglected part of the body? I've come down with mild planters fasciatis after only a week of walking the streets of new york, and my routine workouts every morning have gone out the window - both are terribly disappointing. My feet ached at the beginning of my mission as I adjusted to the change from being in the mtc for 10 weeks to walking 10 miles a day. However, this severe pain has been much different than the mission was, I literally feel like I'm walking on nails half the time, which is not a pleasant feeling. So today I found a great runner's store, they made me take off my shoes and walk around and move my feet in all sorts of different positions, then had me try on like 10 different pairs of shoes. The ones that were the absolute most comfortable and supportive, cost $200, so I said no thank you. So I went with the next most comfy, and got the guy to knock them down from $140 to $110, no taxes either. He was nice. I still hate paying that much for shoes (hello, am I my parents' daughter or what???) I was killing myself over it, but, I figure it's worth the investment since I don't have health insurance and I can't eve get new feet, so I'm might as well take care of them. If these sexy gray and yellow Nike's don't work out, maybe I'll have to go mission style and buy another pair of those awful, but comfy, "damn danskos" as we sisters used to call them.

6. Food. I'm honestly doing so much better at eating healthier. I'm down 10 pounds since Christmas, though my weightloss has slowed down since I haven't been doing my insanity workouts everyday. This is difficult though - food I mean. I'm in NYC, food heaven. There is a pizza joint every 3 stores with windows full of big slices of greasy, cheesy, delicious looking pizza that almost jumps out the window at me every time I walk by. Not to mention every kind of food imaginable from all over the world. It's a good thing I haven't made my way to little Italy yet...but I will let myself indulge at a few places over the next 5 weeks. I saw a picture on pinterest recently with a half eaten red velvet cupcake, and it said "life is short, you only live once, eat the damn red velvet cupcake." I agree. I may never live in new york city again, so I'm going to enjoy the food, but just not overdo it, and eat healthy breakfasts and lunches, then indulge every once in a while for dinner. On my list of places, Brezo 2 Lithuanian in Brooklyn - I haven't had Lithuanian food in ages. I'm stoked.

Finally, 7. Organized chaos. I don't think I've been here long enough at all to really decide if I could or would want to live here on a longer-term or more permanent basis. My gut feeling says no. I don't like feeling like a rat in a giant cage stuck in one of those little balls where you never really get anywhere, marching to the beat of the rhythms of a  never ending parade. Life just seems so rushed to me here though. Everyone always in a hurry to get where they're going. Life seems like it revolves around work, or living to work or working to live, depending on your situation - either way, neither of them fit for me, my lifestyle and what I want. I don't feel like I've had a second to really breath since I got here. The noise never stops. All day, all night. New York really is the city that never sleeps. We don't have any blinds in our apartment, and the street lights are too much, I have a hard time falling asleep most nights because of the light and the noise. Again, the constant rhythm of the city. The ground constantly rumbles with the rushing of trains in every direction. Sirens blaring all day and all night. Honking horns and pounding feet. The pipes in our top floor apartment constantly hissing and sometimes blaring out steamy tunes. At times it's almost soothing, other times I just want to be able to have some SILENCE. To be able to turn off all the noise and have some peace. I can't wait to go to the temple this week, smack in the middle of Manhattan and get away from it all, whilst being right in the thick of it at the same time.

Oh, one more...8. Ice skating in central park in the winter, followed by hot chocolate. Dream come true. Especially because one certain handsome man showed up that made the whole experience that much more glamorous and picture perfect. *sigh*  a girl can dream, right?

Ok, I feel like I've been writing forever and this post is super long. I'm pooped. I'm gonna g read myself to  sleep. Sorry this was so many words and no pictures. Like I said, I'm computer-less and have nowhere to upload my pictures too anyway.

Goodnight from the big apple.

expounding

ok so last night's post was written hastily. i was just so excited because my new adventure to NYC had just become official, so I had to write. let me expound for those of you wanting more details.

about a week ago i was joking with my bestie kristy, and said "kristy I should just come live with you in new york for a while." she said, "i think that's a great idea, I can even give you a job for 5 weeks." i thought she was joking...she was not.

so now i'm moving in with kristy and her sweet roomies from january 17- march 3. kristy's boss is going to be out of town for those 6 weeks and they need some extra help while he is gone. some extra help full time. 2 mormon girls taking over the lutheran church in nyc...huzzah! yes, she works at a beautiful lutheran church. i could literally pee my pants from excitement about the whole thing.

as for the job in utah, i'll be working for an entrepreneurial guy who runs one main company but is involved with a bunch of different ones - so I can't say i'm actually working just for one of them. but i'll be doing calendaring, bookkeeping, sales, research, phones, etc. etc. etc. salary. benefits. awesomeness. except it's in provo, but i'll survive. i'll be in living in draper or sandy probably. so commuting is not fun, but only 20-30 minutes from draper to provo, which is what i drove in california everyday, so i'm accustomed.

now on my list of things to do...

buy plane ticket to NYC. rad.
continue to work out everyday.
continue to eat green smoothies everyday.

make the ultimate list of things to do and see while in NYC. suggestions welcomed.

live in the joy.

2012 - The New Old Me

This is it. 2012 is the year I reclaim me, reclaim my life, reclaim control. 2011 Was a rough year, for me personally and for my family. Don’t get me wrong, it was pretty great, but also pretty tough. And surely 2012 will present its challenges, as that is the usual course of life, but mostly, it’s looking pretty darn fantastic.

This year I will take care of myself physically for the first time in years. I will get back in shape and be sexy. My boobs will get smaller. My muscles will get bigger and my fat will get smaller. I will eat better. I have posted old pictures of myself when I was skinnier and healthier all over to motivate me. And I might be posting a couple pics of motivating men that I’d love to date to keep me going too.

I’m moving to NYC in a couple weeks, for only 6 weeks for a temporary job. I’m going to live with one of my best friends, Kristy. We will work by day and party by night. Sleep is optional for those coming 6 weeks. I will experience as much of NYC as I can in those short 6 weeks. I will chase a handsome man who also happens to live in NYC, not that anything will happen, but I will make sure we definitely spend some time together.

Then I’ll come back to Utah and start my new job. Salaried job. Benefits. Awesome. And they’re gonna wait for me to get back from NYC. My new employer thought it was a great idea and that I should go and when will I be able to go do that ever again with such perfect timing? I agreed. I like him already, and I think I’m going to like working for him, even though it’s in Provo. Ugh. But still great.

Also, my girl Miriam who I’ll be moving in with in Utah once I get back from NYC, just found out that her old contract doesn’t end until the end of February…which we thought was actually end of January so we were going to get a place February 1^st…man does Heavenly Father make things work out or what? Miriam helped me remember this week that Satan wants us to be miserable. I think I had honestly forgotten that, or at least not consciously thought about it in a long time. He doesn’t want us to be happy. He doesn’t want things to work out for us. But the Lord does. And the Lord makes it happen. So cool. I love it.

Yeah, so, I have a bunch of other goals for the year, but I just wanted to give you a quick rundown and update cuz it’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Thanks for listening.

Happy New Year. May your 2012 be all you dream. 

it's official

i'm a utahn again...i drove back to utah yesterday with my amazing madre. yes, she flew out to california, i picked her up at the airport, and we drove straight back to utah. she is a rock star. i've driven between california and utah dozens of times by myself. but i'm glad my mom came out and drove it with me. it was soooo nice to have some serious quality mother-daughter time. and super great because we switched off driving, and i got to take a little nap which i really needed after the past few weeks of not enough sleep, too much stress, packing, cleaning, etc. again, i repeat, my mother is a rockstar. i loved it.

and, she got super excited when we saw a billboard for steak n shake...a midwest/east coast burger joint that my mom LOVES. we waited and extra 2 hours for lunch until we got to vegas so we could eat there. i'm pretty sure she felt like her $95 flight to SoCal and a 10 hour drive was totally worth it just so we could eat at the unknown steak n shake in vegas. it was yummy.

and i live in utah now. weird. it's still a little surreal. sorta just feels like i'm home for christmas break or something. but no. it's official. i am still on the apartment hunt with miriam. did i ever mention that? miriam. freaking. rasmussen. is going to be my roommate again. i couldn't be happier about this. it also makes the blow of moving to utah a little softer. we were roomies at BYU and then she "moved" to california with me this past summer....ok not really moved, but she came and stayed with me for a month. so it was more of a month long vacation of heaven. and it just so happens that her current lease is up at the end of january-ish. so we're gonna find our own place together. so nice to not have to worry about moving in with random people and getting stuck. granted, i'd much prefer getting married and living with a man, but miriam dear, you're the very next best thing.  ;)

i saw an old friend today whilst out running errands. she hugged me and said "it's so good to have you home," as if I'd just taken a long trip or something. california was home, is home. i loved it. now utah is home, FOR NOW. i can't live here forever - fact. especially after leaving. reality is so different here. i literally shiver inside just thinking about the culture and the psychosis. don't get me wrong. I also truthfully acknowledge that there are good people everywhere, despite a weird culture. and that's what's most important i guess. i just have to keep it in mind on a daily basis, especially at church on sundays.

oh and technology hates me today. actually, i just repel technology for the most part. my laptop battery hasn't been holding a charge, and my cell phone is completely different story. i could write a list of 30 things wrong with my phone. but of course when I took it into the Sprint store today to get it fixed, they said "we can't get it to mimic any of the things you say is wrong with it," and sent me on my way. the only good thing they did was FINALLY give me a new battery, free of charge. my phone has been dying in like 4 hours or less, after being fully charged. so that was nice. thanks sprint man. 

ok, vent session over. i'm happy to be here. i slept great last night, better than i have in a while now. probably because i was exhausted from a few very stressful weeks, but also sleeping at home, in my parents' house. there is something so safe, so comfortable about it. i fell right to sleep, which i never do. that was awesome.

i also have another job interview tomorrow. i have 2 written offers, one verbal offer, and 2 more interviews. heavenly father is sure blessing me. love it. love Him. thanks.

sunsets and sunrises

i just sat outside and watched the sunset at 4:30pm, over the beautiful pacific ocean - where i live right on the cliffs above it...for another 4 days at least.

the sky was on fire in pinks and oranges. i'm pretty sure that sunsets and sunrises are God's canvas for painting.

it was a magical sunset, as most in san clemente are. not only was it indescribably beautiful, there were about 20 dolphins just playing and splashing in the waves. magic i tell you. magic.

actually, it's not magic...it's God's way of reminding me that He is ALWAYS in control. be it the elements, being stuck in traffic, physical health, spiritual struggles, complete life changes...anything and everything, God is in control. and watching sunsets and sunrises reminds me of that.

i haven't watched a sunrise in a while. i'm not much of a morning person. but i've been feeling lately like i need to return to that oh so painful mission habit of early to bed early to rise...give myself time to meditate, study, exercise and eat breakfast in the mornings. start my day with peace instead of rolling out of bed and rushing from the second i wake up to make sure i get to work on time.

God is in control. tonight's beautiful, magical moment was a perfect reminder of that.

thoughts...

Last week was brutally difficult for me. I will spare you most of the details, because it’s too personal to share for the world. But suffice it to say that I had moments last week when I felt more drained, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically than I ever have. I had moments of weakness and doubt. My heart feels so much pressure that I just don’t know if I can take it sometimes. God really does test us to our extremes, and in doing so He is able to truly show us His power.

I’ve recently decided and had a little bit of minimal insight on the following – it’s ok to be angry at God. For a long time I felt like being angry at God made me a bad person. A weak saint. Faithless. It made me feel so guilty. And this really is all my personal opinion, and many may not agree, but it’s the understanding that I have come to for myself, from my Father in Heaven teaching me about it. It’s ok and normal to be mad at your parents…earthly or Heavenly. I got mad at my parents all the time growing up – I still do occasionally, but rarely.  I would get angry, the only thing is, and this is what I relearned and realized in a new way recently, is that even though I get angry, my parents are/were still usually right. And that’s pretty much how it works with God too.

We really can’t understand His reasons most of the time, we don’t have His wisdom and omniscience regarding this grand journey of life, be it a whole picture or our own individual lives, but He’s still right. And I think it’s important to allow ourselves to experience the full range of human emotions, even if that means being mad at God once in a while, or even for a long time. If we allow ourselves to experience that, we allow ourselves to work through it, to work through the emotions and the lack of understanding and dig into it all to try and find some answers and peace about it all. But if we don’t allow ourselves that opportunity, I think we can really do more damage by holding ourselves back from being truly humbled and reliant on the Lord to figure it out. Does that make sense? For a long time I tried to not let myself feel angry at God because it made me feel guilty and weak. It literally made me feel like I was not being a faithful disciple. That my testimony was being rocked if I let myself feel that way. But I recently learned, again this is just for me personally, that quite the opposite is true.

Even though I have gotten mad at my earthly parents before, thrown tantrums of sorts, been impatient and quite angry with them, they still love me. They still forgive me. They still help and guide and support and keep on doing what is best for me – even, and especially when I don’t understand it. And I’m eternally grateful for that. God is the exact same way. And that is comforting. We can be mad at Him. He still loves us more than we could ever comprehend. He will continue to always forgive us, to be patient with us, and to try us and test us.

I recently read Elder Hales’ talk from October General Conference 2011, wherein he talks about waiting upon the Lord, suffering, etc. It’s worth re-reading or listening to. Go check it out here.

http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/waiting-upon-the-lord-thy-will-be-done?lang=eng

Thanks for listening.