left field - part 1

Apparently it's the year that I only blog every three months. Sorry about that. I don't know what's gotten into me - a bad case of laziness? Permanent fatigue? Just plain too busy? Excuses, excuses. Sorry. Mostly sorry to myself and my future generations for being terrible at recording and thus sharing my life, my thoughts, my reflections and deep inner processes of life. I think we do need to share those things as appropriately, so that one day, my 27 year old single daughter will know that I actually understood what it feels like to have people criticize and judge her life and her life choices, when they really have no clue what they're talking about. Or so that if my life were to end unexpectedly, my family and friends could go back and read my thoughts - and remember me, who I am, what I believed, what I experienced, and how they played a part of it.

I realize that is all so serious...let me rewind the past couple of weeks...or even 4 years I guess.

A year ago my friend Kelli was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She didn't blink. The first time I saw her after her diagnosis, was about 6 months after she was diagnosed, had already been through rounds of chemo, and was in remission. We were having a girls night around Christmas time last year, and she cracked a joke about taking off her hair as we sat down for the movie because it was far too hot, and now she understood why guys keep their hair cut short all the time. That's how she always was. She just kept moving forward, with the utmost positive attitude about everything, never blinking. Kelli was a young single working gal like myself. Never married, but that never stopped her from living life the way it should. She was such an example to me of being stalwart, faithful, and optimistic. That is what I really learned from Kelli and her life and example - no matter what life throws at you, whether it be from left field or a line drive, you just swing for the fence and run, never looking back or stopping. She was courageous and valiant in every way.

I had the chance to visit with her for a few hours a couple of months ago. She was pretty sick, and was just starting another round of chemo. Her best friend Tiffany was in town taking care of her for a couple of weeks. Kelli was as positive and hopeful as ever. She didn't complain, she was telling me all about how this round and the upcoming rounds of chemo were a different path than her oncologist had taken with her before but felt like it was really going to make a difference. They'd be shorter, more powerful rounds of treatment, but more frequent. They really thought there were gonna get it this time, she told me. (For those of you who don't know, ovarian cancer is an extremely aggressive form of cancer). She didn't complain, not at all. Then she spent hours checking in on me and my life. We commiserated over dating and she gave me courage regarding the boy I had recently started dating, whom I had a date with the next day. She texted me the next day to see how it went. Although that was the last time I saw her, I'm glad that I left and we had spent the evening together laughing and loving and just discussing the realities of life - with hope. She had a smile on her face the last time I saw her. We talked a couple of times after that, and she would constantly text me to check in, just to see how I was doing. Freak, she was the one going through aggressive cancer treatments.

What a woman. I'm so grateful for her. I cried today, a lot. I mean, I balled like a baby. I was probably supposed to go back to work after the funeral was over, but I couldn't handle it. I got in my car, and I just lost it. I couldn't compose myself, and I definitely couldn't get a handle on my emotions enough to go back to work and deal with customers with class and composure. So I did what any emotional, tired, sad, hurting female would do - I went to In-N-Out and got a double-double and Dr. Pepper, and then stopped at The Sweet Tooth Fairy and got a cookie. No wonder I'm fat...hahaha. Food is totally my emotional comfort. SHAME ON ME. Oh well. Life goes on. Then I came home, took off my dress, my evil killer underwire, and plopped into bed for a nap. It wasn't so much a nap as it was a lay-down-for-a-while-to-decompress-but-not-really-sleep moment. It was good just to slow down for an hour.  You can see her brief obituary here: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/saltlaketribune/obituary.aspx?n=kelli-denise-livingston&pid=159951963#fbLoggedOut

I love you Kelli.

note to all the men out there...or boys I should say...

if and when  you're going to break up with someone after 3 months of dating...don't do it through a text message.

i say this to boys obviously, because  a real man, with decency and respect, would never do such a thing.

that is all.

isn't it ironic?

There's a song by our beloved Crazy Canuk, Alanis Morrissette that spells out the simple, everyday irony of life. I've been feeling that a lot lately. Irony in my everyday life. Not in a bad way, I've just been seeing it so much. The twists and turns of life often place us in a position to see our own lives  through a new lens or from a different perspective than we previously have. For me, lately, that has been through irony. 

Before I decided to actually sit down and write (I mean, hello, I haven't blogged since I WAS IN NYC!!!!! Sorry for the disappearing act), I had to read a little about irony, because although I know exactly what it means, I'm not great at articulating things. In fact, more often than not I feel like words are not my strong suit. 

This is what one blip told me about irony, and I thought it was adequate:

"The essential feature of irony  is the indirect presentation of a contradiction between an 
action or expression and the context in which it occurs. In the figure of speech, emphasis is placed on the opposition between the literal and intended 
meaning of a statement; one thing is said and its opposite implied, as in the comment,
 'Beautiful weather, isn't it?' made when it is raining or poor weather. Ironic literature exploits, in addition to the rhetorical figure, such devices as character development, situation, and plot to stress the paradoxical nature of reality or the contrast between an ideal and actual 
condition, set of circumstances, etc., frequently in such a way as to stress the absurdity
 present in the contradiction between substance and form."

I won't expound too much tonight on what I have found ironic lately about my own life, because I'm tired and have to get up in 7 hours, but I'm pretty darn sure that God has a great sense of humor.  :)

Sweet dreams, and I'll try to do some quick catch-up posts and get back in the swing of writing. I need to do it for my own sanity, if only I could make more hours in a day. 

It's Better to Look Up

Last night, I decided to take the bus home, because I like being able to actually see the city as I travel rather than just being underground or buried in an office all day. I usually take the train to work in the morning because it saves me lots of time and gives me a few more minutes of precious sleep each day.

For some reason, I came out the back door of the church last night and must’ve been unconsciously disoriented by this because I totally ended up on the right bus #, wrong direction. I was reading an email while waiting for the bus, saw my number and hopped right on, and kept reading my email. I kept staring at my phone…defeats the purpose of taking the bus to see the city right? It took me 46 blocks before I realized that I was now on the opposite end of where I was supposed to be going, at 8^th street instead of heading uptown to 110^th ….which was ok. I did have a cooking class that I was going to at 7:30 after work, but I had some time to spare so I hopped off the bus, smack in the middle of East Village, which I had never explored before, and I loved it!!!!!!! The spot I found myself was surrounded by tattoo parlors, psychics and astrologists, cheesy souvenir street vendors, $0.99 Pizza Slices and lots of neon lights. It was awesome!!!

I walked around several blocks, just taking in the ambiance, the vibe, the scenery, the crowd of people that is oh so different from my corporate midtown location. I saw lots of sketchy but delicious looking restaurants and bakery’s that I had to resist, due to the cooking class, and determined to bring myself back soon to partake of the goodness.  

Amidst the middle of all of the tattoo shops and cat-calling I was receiving (this is nothing new when I am surrounded by people non-Caucasian…and it’s done wonders for my self-esteem), I had this wonderful little moment of teaching from the Lord…………..

“It’s better to look up.”

You remember that talk from conference I’m sure? Well, not only did He remind me that is certainly is better to look up, but also that when we don’t look up and sometimes get a bit sidetracked, to still enjoy the adventure and love whatever comes your way. Rather than being so focused on the fact that something happened that you didn’t expect, even though it may be totally your own fault, be accountable and love it and live life! That is probably the biggest lesson I learned from it…in my “turn everything into a gospel analogy” mind (which I’m pretty sure comes from being a missionary and teaching at the MTC for a couple of years) – the lesson that life doesn’t always play out the way we want or plan or expect it to, and that’s OKAY! 

The Lord’s plan for each one of us is different than our own plan, and that when things do get sidetracked or go different to OUR plan, it’s best to just love the adventure of it and remember that it’s better to look up! It’s better to look up and see the incredible buildings surrounding you and realize that maybe it wasn’t really a mistake. Maybe the Lord wanted you to have some new experience that otherwise wouldn’t have happened. Maybe when our lives end up on the wrong bus route, it’s really for something great that the Lord has in store for us.

And I forget that all the time.

Now, none of that would have happened in the first place if I had been looking up and paying attention in the first place, but it happened, as life does, and the views and experiences and lessons made me better in the end. It also was just such a sweet reminder of how much the Lord really does love me, day in and day out.  :)

So, last night as I was standing outside some rather red-light district parts of town, on the wrong end of Manhattan from where I was supposed to be headed, the Lord taught me a great lesson, showed me some fun and beautiful things, and then, I found the right transportation and made it along my way just fine, and still got to my destination on time, in one piece, and having had some incredible moments getting there! 

v-day. the day of love. smoochy smoochy heaven-liness.

I’m not really sure how to start this post, or where it will go exactly, but attempt to write it I shall. I’m not the best at expressing my thoughts adequately in words, which is one reason I blog – to help me improve my ability to translate my thoughts into words. But forgive me if my message is truly insufficient for the way I feel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guinBnWWuKE  (Ok, here’s a little intro to my post…sort of…but mostly I just love this clip!)

Love. There really is nothing greater in this life than love. It is one of, if not THE most powerful, driving forces in life. And today, one day a year, we focus on and celebrate love.

Love takes countless shapes and manifests itself in countless ways. There are countless types of love. Love is shown through a tender kiss, an enveloping hug, sleepless nights by mothers around the world waking up to comfort their little ones, a kind word, a gentle smile, a helping hand, patience when and where patience may not seem deserved, taking out the trash or washing the dishes, and unimaginable other ways.  Love might be felt as romantic love, Christ-like love, the love for family, your best friend, the random teller at the bank who makes your day, or the old homeless man who acts as the security guard at the church in trade for a warm place to sleep. Love can be felt in every way, without rhyme or reason. It’s usually inexplicable and indescribable.  

Some might argue with me (incorrectly argue of course…haha!), but when all is said and done and it all comes down to it, everything we call love is/and/or comes from God. Anything that causes such emotions and purity of heart can only be from God. And all TRUE LOVE, REAL LOVE comes from God. Love for any sort of selfish reason isn’t really love.

"Since all love emanates from God, we are born with the capacity and the desire to love and to be loved. Responding to true love is part of our very being. We innately desire to reconnect here with the love we felt there. Only as we feel God’s love and fill our hearts with His love can we be truly happy. God’s love fills the immensity of space; therefore, there is no shortage of love in the universe, only in our willingness to do what is needed to feel it. Trying to find love without helping and sacrificing for others is like trying to live without eating—it is against the laws of nature and cannot succeed. We cannot fake love. It must become part of us." -John Groberg

The day of love. February 14. Valentine’s Day. What a day! I love having a holiday to celebrate love…even though yes, it’s been totally commercialized, blah blah blah, and I hate that roses cost $1.50/stem WHOLESALE…blah blah blah…but really, not that we need a day to celebrate love – I’m really happy we do it anyway. There have been years where I’ve been bitter to be “alone” and “single” on this one particular day of all days…but not this year. Yes, I’m still alone and single…but not really. I look around and I love seeing a crazy, busy world, in probably the craziest and busiest city, filled with love. People say New Yorkers are cold and heartless – I think the total opposite. Every single day, I see kindness. I see love manifest. I see people give food and a few dollars to the homeless old woman who sits on the cold ground, leaning against the fence on 53^rd and Lexington Avenue. I see shy hidden smiles and glances on the subway. I see people helping others pick up their books and bags that they dropped on a busy street corner. I see people get up and offer their seats on the subway to older folks, women and children. I see others letting that love and goodness creep out of hard outer shells every. single. day. And I love it. It’s everywhere.

Now don’t get me wrong – would I love to receive flowers or chocolates or any other array of delectable gifts from a handsome man on Valentine’s Day? Of course I’d love it. Would I love to be going to dinner and cuddling and spending the evening with that special someone that I care about more than life itself? Of course I’d love it. Do I feel lonely and ache for the companionship and deep abiding trust and love and comfort that comes from that relationship that you put your whole heart and soul into? Every. Single. Day. BUT…

My life is still filled with love. Because, as stated previously, all true, real love comes from God, and is manifest every single day in every single way around me. Sometimes, I forget that. Sometimes, I just miss it. Sometimes, I am too busy or just plain old too damn prideful to see it. Nonetheless, it’s there. I’m reminded of God’s love every day that I am blessed to wake up. To live. Every breath I breath is given to me from God –what a sweet manifestation of His perfect, eternal love. I’m reminded of it when the cold, crisp morning air takes my breath away or when the beauty of the falling snow does the same, catching me off guard every time as I look at its absolute perfection. I’m reminded of His love when I jump on an airplane, take off, watch the serenity of the clouds beneath me and 4 hours later arrive safely at home with my loving family. I’m reminded of His love when He helps me professionally – dropping opportunities in my lap that I couldn’t have made happen all on my own. I’m reminded of His love as caring friends, roommates and strangers kneel and pray for my terribly ill little brother, with faith to bring peace and healing.

I could spend a lifetime writing the things that show me God’s love and still never finish. He has given me life, the very breath I breathe, and I feel and see and experience LOVE every, single, day.

To the few of you actually reading this, and to my future self when I come back and read this someday, I pray that you stop a moment and look around and recognize how much love truly fills your lives.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I LOVE YOU.

-B.

pertinent thoughts from president monson

The following are thoughts from a talk by president thomas s. monson, entitled "decisions determine destiny," given to a group of young adults a few years back.  I remember hearing this talk broadcasted live. as i've been trying to make some tough decisions right now, I've been doing a decent amount of gospel study to try and help me in the process. each of these paragraphs are from the same talk, but are just individual portions, rather than the whole talk. I just copied the parts that stood out to me the most. 

Enjoy. 

"The spirit of exploration, whether it be of the surface of the earth, the vastness of space, or the principles of living greatly, includes developing the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and triumph with humility.

Created in the image of God. We cannot sincerely hold this conviction without experiencing a profound sense of strength and power. As Latter-day Saints, we know that we lived before we came to earth, that mortality is a probationary period wherein we might prove ourselves obedient to God’s command and thus worthy of celestial glory. Yes, we know who we are and what God expects us to become. Such knowledge, however, does not ensure our success in reaching our goal of eternal life.

This is your world. The future is in your hands. The outcome is up to you. The way to exaltation is not a freeway featuring unlimited vision, unrestricted speeds, and untested skills. Rather, it is known by many forks and turnings, sharp curves, and controlled speeds. Your driving skill will be put to the test. Are you ready? You are driving. You haven’t passed this way before. Fortunately, the Master Highway Builder, even our Heavenly Father, has provided a road map showing the route to follow. He has placed markers along the way to guide you to your destination.

I can’t stress too strongly that decisions determine destiny. You can’t make eternal decisions without eternal consequences.

May I provide a simple formula by which you can measure the choices which confront you. It’s easy to remember, sometimes difficult to apply: You can’t be right by doing wrong; you can’t be wrong by doing right. Your personal conscience always warns you as a friend before it punishes you as a judge.

You are of a noble birthright. Eternal life in the kingdom of our Father is your goal. Such a goal is not achieved in one glorious attempt but rather is the result of a lifetime of righteousness, an accumulation of wise choices, even a constancy of purpose. Like the coveted A grade on the report card of a difficult and required college course, the reward of eternal life requires effort.

What ideals, when followed, will bring to you those blessings you so much seek, even a quiet conscience, a peace-filled heart, a loving family, a contented home?

May I suggest these three:

Choose your friends with caution.

Plan your future with purpose.

Frame your life with faith.

I urge you to make a friend of your Heavenly Father. He stands ready to answer the prayer of your heart. Being the Father of your spirit and having created you in His own image, knowing the end from the beginning, His wisdom will not fail and His counsel is ever true. Make a friend of Him.

Amidst the confusion of the times, the conflicts of conscience, and the turmoil of daily living, an abiding faith becomes an anchor to our lives." 

I'll follow up with my thoughts on this tomorrow. Right now, it's time to go to bed. Oh, and I just landed a sweet gig as the preferred florist for a new hip reception center in Highland, Utah. I'm flying to SLC this weekend for my first floral install for them.   :)   

nothing in particular

So, as you all know by now, I am working at St. Peter’s Lutheran Church in Midtown Manhattan. It really is quite a little gem and I am becoming more fond of this place every single day. After the first week, I still wasn’t really feeling like I could live in Manhattan long term, and I was thinking 6 weeks could be perfect. But it really is growing on me…both the city, and this job, this church, and mostly the people in it. 

The more you move around (which I do more frequently than most people), the more you realize and understand that it’s really all about the people in your life that matters the most. It’s the relationships that mean more than anything, and those are really the only things we carry with us forever.  Leaving California was hard for me because I had to leave so many people that I had come to love and treasure dearly. Leaving my job didn’t kill me, nor my calling (it was sad yes), not even leaving the beautiful beach and views in San Clemente (unbelievable right?)…just leaving behind important relationships, cherished friendships, love and support. Every place has new views…ie. the beach was a little slice of heaven, but the Manhattan skyline is pretty amazing too. Pedro’s Tacos, yum…but NYC, come on, there is food all around to die for. Every new place has so much to experience, so much to learn about and to learn from. New people to meet and appreciate. New food to be eaten. New paths to walk and endless places to discover. New favorites to be found. Maybe those are some of the many reasons that I can’t seem to stay situated for longer than a couple years. Is that weird?

As a kid, I was a TOTAL homebody. I would cry when my parents went on vacation until I was like 13. Home was always the ultimate place of comfort for me. My older sister was always the one to be happy to leave, get away, etc. But not me. I was perfectly content at home. Safe. Comfortable. Known. How I pulled such a stark 180 degree turn around, who knows. Seriously, think about it with me…..since I graduated from high school, I lived in Hawaii for 2 years, SLC for a while, Lithuania and Latvia for 1.5 years, Provo for a couple years, California for a couple years, now in New York City for who knows how long (more to come on that), and have visited nearly 20 countries. I can decide to move to NYC one day, and a week later be living and working there – navigating the metro and buses like a pro. Change is so refreshing to me. So healthy. So powerful, meaningful, and invigorating. It breathes renewed life into me somehow. Maybe, I need to find a man who works for the state department, so we can move to a new country every 2-3 years. Awesome. But then I think about having kids, and I want to have a stable home and environment for them to grow up in……..but then again, a stable home has nothing to do with being a permanently located physical home. Which brings to me another point that I have been reflecting on and again, so grateful for amidst all the change.

The gospel. The true and living and one and only Church of Jesus Christ. No matter where I go, in the ENTIRE WORLD, it’s there. Again, that stable home principle. I can go the church any Sunday in any part of the world (except mainland China and maybe a handful of other places, soon to be changing), and it’s the same. I love that. It ALWAYS keeps me grounded. I’m inexplicably grateful for that. The only other thing in my life that can even compare to that stability, is my family. So that’s it…my family and the gospel. And as I move around and life changes, my family grows, not only by marriage and births, but new relationships with those who used to be strangers can become family. There are probably 5-10 people in my life, outside of my immediate family, who I consider to truly be family. They provide that stability, that same bond and relationship, love, and ability to keep me grounded no matter where I fly. What a blessing. Seriously.

The things I want to keep writing will just take me in circles, so I’ll probably wrap it up for now. Thanks for listening. And if any of you have any contacts in the floral/wedding/event industry in NYC…let me know.