isn't it ironic?

There's a song by our beloved Crazy Canuk, Alanis Morrissette that spells out the simple, everyday irony of life. I've been feeling that a lot lately. Irony in my everyday life. Not in a bad way, I've just been seeing it so much. The twists and turns of life often place us in a position to see our own lives  through a new lens or from a different perspective than we previously have. For me, lately, that has been through irony. 

Before I decided to actually sit down and write (I mean, hello, I haven't blogged since I WAS IN NYC!!!!! Sorry for the disappearing act), I had to read a little about irony, because although I know exactly what it means, I'm not great at articulating things. In fact, more often than not I feel like words are not my strong suit. 

This is what one blip told me about irony, and I thought it was adequate:

"The essential feature of irony  is the indirect presentation of a contradiction between an 
action or expression and the context in which it occurs. In the figure of speech, emphasis is placed on the opposition between the literal and intended 
meaning of a statement; one thing is said and its opposite implied, as in the comment,
 'Beautiful weather, isn't it?' made when it is raining or poor weather. Ironic literature exploits, in addition to the rhetorical figure, such devices as character development, situation, and plot to stress the paradoxical nature of reality or the contrast between an ideal and actual 
condition, set of circumstances, etc., frequently in such a way as to stress the absurdity
 present in the contradiction between substance and form."

I won't expound too much tonight on what I have found ironic lately about my own life, because I'm tired and have to get up in 7 hours, but I'm pretty darn sure that God has a great sense of humor.  :)

Sweet dreams, and I'll try to do some quick catch-up posts and get back in the swing of writing. I need to do it for my own sanity, if only I could make more hours in a day. 

It's Better to Look Up

Last night, I decided to take the bus home, because I like being able to actually see the city as I travel rather than just being underground or buried in an office all day. I usually take the train to work in the morning because it saves me lots of time and gives me a few more minutes of precious sleep each day.

For some reason, I came out the back door of the church last night and must’ve been unconsciously disoriented by this because I totally ended up on the right bus #, wrong direction. I was reading an email while waiting for the bus, saw my number and hopped right on, and kept reading my email. I kept staring at my phone…defeats the purpose of taking the bus to see the city right? It took me 46 blocks before I realized that I was now on the opposite end of where I was supposed to be going, at 8^th street instead of heading uptown to 110^th ….which was ok. I did have a cooking class that I was going to at 7:30 after work, but I had some time to spare so I hopped off the bus, smack in the middle of East Village, which I had never explored before, and I loved it!!!!!!! The spot I found myself was surrounded by tattoo parlors, psychics and astrologists, cheesy souvenir street vendors, $0.99 Pizza Slices and lots of neon lights. It was awesome!!!

I walked around several blocks, just taking in the ambiance, the vibe, the scenery, the crowd of people that is oh so different from my corporate midtown location. I saw lots of sketchy but delicious looking restaurants and bakery’s that I had to resist, due to the cooking class, and determined to bring myself back soon to partake of the goodness.  

Amidst the middle of all of the tattoo shops and cat-calling I was receiving (this is nothing new when I am surrounded by people non-Caucasian…and it’s done wonders for my self-esteem), I had this wonderful little moment of teaching from the Lord…………..

“It’s better to look up.”

You remember that talk from conference I’m sure? Well, not only did He remind me that is certainly is better to look up, but also that when we don’t look up and sometimes get a bit sidetracked, to still enjoy the adventure and love whatever comes your way. Rather than being so focused on the fact that something happened that you didn’t expect, even though it may be totally your own fault, be accountable and love it and live life! That is probably the biggest lesson I learned from it…in my “turn everything into a gospel analogy” mind (which I’m pretty sure comes from being a missionary and teaching at the MTC for a couple of years) – the lesson that life doesn’t always play out the way we want or plan or expect it to, and that’s OKAY! 

The Lord’s plan for each one of us is different than our own plan, and that when things do get sidetracked or go different to OUR plan, it’s best to just love the adventure of it and remember that it’s better to look up! It’s better to look up and see the incredible buildings surrounding you and realize that maybe it wasn’t really a mistake. Maybe the Lord wanted you to have some new experience that otherwise wouldn’t have happened. Maybe when our lives end up on the wrong bus route, it’s really for something great that the Lord has in store for us.

And I forget that all the time.

Now, none of that would have happened in the first place if I had been looking up and paying attention in the first place, but it happened, as life does, and the views and experiences and lessons made me better in the end. It also was just such a sweet reminder of how much the Lord really does love me, day in and day out.  :)

So, last night as I was standing outside some rather red-light district parts of town, on the wrong end of Manhattan from where I was supposed to be headed, the Lord taught me a great lesson, showed me some fun and beautiful things, and then, I found the right transportation and made it along my way just fine, and still got to my destination on time, in one piece, and having had some incredible moments getting there! 

v-day. the day of love. smoochy smoochy heaven-liness.

I’m not really sure how to start this post, or where it will go exactly, but attempt to write it I shall. I’m not the best at expressing my thoughts adequately in words, which is one reason I blog – to help me improve my ability to translate my thoughts into words. But forgive me if my message is truly insufficient for the way I feel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guinBnWWuKE  (Ok, here’s a little intro to my post…sort of…but mostly I just love this clip!)

Love. There really is nothing greater in this life than love. It is one of, if not THE most powerful, driving forces in life. And today, one day a year, we focus on and celebrate love.

Love takes countless shapes and manifests itself in countless ways. There are countless types of love. Love is shown through a tender kiss, an enveloping hug, sleepless nights by mothers around the world waking up to comfort their little ones, a kind word, a gentle smile, a helping hand, patience when and where patience may not seem deserved, taking out the trash or washing the dishes, and unimaginable other ways.  Love might be felt as romantic love, Christ-like love, the love for family, your best friend, the random teller at the bank who makes your day, or the old homeless man who acts as the security guard at the church in trade for a warm place to sleep. Love can be felt in every way, without rhyme or reason. It’s usually inexplicable and indescribable.  

Some might argue with me (incorrectly argue of course…haha!), but when all is said and done and it all comes down to it, everything we call love is/and/or comes from God. Anything that causes such emotions and purity of heart can only be from God. And all TRUE LOVE, REAL LOVE comes from God. Love for any sort of selfish reason isn’t really love.

"Since all love emanates from God, we are born with the capacity and the desire to love and to be loved. Responding to true love is part of our very being. We innately desire to reconnect here with the love we felt there. Only as we feel God’s love and fill our hearts with His love can we be truly happy. God’s love fills the immensity of space; therefore, there is no shortage of love in the universe, only in our willingness to do what is needed to feel it. Trying to find love without helping and sacrificing for others is like trying to live without eating—it is against the laws of nature and cannot succeed. We cannot fake love. It must become part of us." -John Groberg

The day of love. February 14. Valentine’s Day. What a day! I love having a holiday to celebrate love…even though yes, it’s been totally commercialized, blah blah blah, and I hate that roses cost $1.50/stem WHOLESALE…blah blah blah…but really, not that we need a day to celebrate love – I’m really happy we do it anyway. There have been years where I’ve been bitter to be “alone” and “single” on this one particular day of all days…but not this year. Yes, I’m still alone and single…but not really. I look around and I love seeing a crazy, busy world, in probably the craziest and busiest city, filled with love. People say New Yorkers are cold and heartless – I think the total opposite. Every single day, I see kindness. I see love manifest. I see people give food and a few dollars to the homeless old woman who sits on the cold ground, leaning against the fence on 53^rd and Lexington Avenue. I see shy hidden smiles and glances on the subway. I see people helping others pick up their books and bags that they dropped on a busy street corner. I see people get up and offer their seats on the subway to older folks, women and children. I see others letting that love and goodness creep out of hard outer shells every. single. day. And I love it. It’s everywhere.

Now don’t get me wrong – would I love to receive flowers or chocolates or any other array of delectable gifts from a handsome man on Valentine’s Day? Of course I’d love it. Would I love to be going to dinner and cuddling and spending the evening with that special someone that I care about more than life itself? Of course I’d love it. Do I feel lonely and ache for the companionship and deep abiding trust and love and comfort that comes from that relationship that you put your whole heart and soul into? Every. Single. Day. BUT…

My life is still filled with love. Because, as stated previously, all true, real love comes from God, and is manifest every single day in every single way around me. Sometimes, I forget that. Sometimes, I just miss it. Sometimes, I am too busy or just plain old too damn prideful to see it. Nonetheless, it’s there. I’m reminded of God’s love every day that I am blessed to wake up. To live. Every breath I breath is given to me from God –what a sweet manifestation of His perfect, eternal love. I’m reminded of it when the cold, crisp morning air takes my breath away or when the beauty of the falling snow does the same, catching me off guard every time as I look at its absolute perfection. I’m reminded of His love when I jump on an airplane, take off, watch the serenity of the clouds beneath me and 4 hours later arrive safely at home with my loving family. I’m reminded of His love when He helps me professionally – dropping opportunities in my lap that I couldn’t have made happen all on my own. I’m reminded of His love as caring friends, roommates and strangers kneel and pray for my terribly ill little brother, with faith to bring peace and healing.

I could spend a lifetime writing the things that show me God’s love and still never finish. He has given me life, the very breath I breathe, and I feel and see and experience LOVE every, single, day.

To the few of you actually reading this, and to my future self when I come back and read this someday, I pray that you stop a moment and look around and recognize how much love truly fills your lives.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I LOVE YOU.

-B.

pertinent thoughts from president monson

The following are thoughts from a talk by president thomas s. monson, entitled "decisions determine destiny," given to a group of young adults a few years back.  I remember hearing this talk broadcasted live. as i've been trying to make some tough decisions right now, I've been doing a decent amount of gospel study to try and help me in the process. each of these paragraphs are from the same talk, but are just individual portions, rather than the whole talk. I just copied the parts that stood out to me the most. 

Enjoy. 

"The spirit of exploration, whether it be of the surface of the earth, the vastness of space, or the principles of living greatly, includes developing the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and triumph with humility.

Created in the image of God. We cannot sincerely hold this conviction without experiencing a profound sense of strength and power. As Latter-day Saints, we know that we lived before we came to earth, that mortality is a probationary period wherein we might prove ourselves obedient to God’s command and thus worthy of celestial glory. Yes, we know who we are and what God expects us to become. Such knowledge, however, does not ensure our success in reaching our goal of eternal life.

This is your world. The future is in your hands. The outcome is up to you. The way to exaltation is not a freeway featuring unlimited vision, unrestricted speeds, and untested skills. Rather, it is known by many forks and turnings, sharp curves, and controlled speeds. Your driving skill will be put to the test. Are you ready? You are driving. You haven’t passed this way before. Fortunately, the Master Highway Builder, even our Heavenly Father, has provided a road map showing the route to follow. He has placed markers along the way to guide you to your destination.

I can’t stress too strongly that decisions determine destiny. You can’t make eternal decisions without eternal consequences.

May I provide a simple formula by which you can measure the choices which confront you. It’s easy to remember, sometimes difficult to apply: You can’t be right by doing wrong; you can’t be wrong by doing right. Your personal conscience always warns you as a friend before it punishes you as a judge.

You are of a noble birthright. Eternal life in the kingdom of our Father is your goal. Such a goal is not achieved in one glorious attempt but rather is the result of a lifetime of righteousness, an accumulation of wise choices, even a constancy of purpose. Like the coveted A grade on the report card of a difficult and required college course, the reward of eternal life requires effort.

What ideals, when followed, will bring to you those blessings you so much seek, even a quiet conscience, a peace-filled heart, a loving family, a contented home?

May I suggest these three:

Choose your friends with caution.

Plan your future with purpose.

Frame your life with faith.

I urge you to make a friend of your Heavenly Father. He stands ready to answer the prayer of your heart. Being the Father of your spirit and having created you in His own image, knowing the end from the beginning, His wisdom will not fail and His counsel is ever true. Make a friend of Him.

Amidst the confusion of the times, the conflicts of conscience, and the turmoil of daily living, an abiding faith becomes an anchor to our lives." 

I'll follow up with my thoughts on this tomorrow. Right now, it's time to go to bed. Oh, and I just landed a sweet gig as the preferred florist for a new hip reception center in Highland, Utah. I'm flying to SLC this weekend for my first floral install for them.   :)   

nothing in particular

So, as you all know by now, I am working at St. Peter’s Lutheran Church in Midtown Manhattan. It really is quite a little gem and I am becoming more fond of this place every single day. After the first week, I still wasn’t really feeling like I could live in Manhattan long term, and I was thinking 6 weeks could be perfect. But it really is growing on me…both the city, and this job, this church, and mostly the people in it. 

The more you move around (which I do more frequently than most people), the more you realize and understand that it’s really all about the people in your life that matters the most. It’s the relationships that mean more than anything, and those are really the only things we carry with us forever.  Leaving California was hard for me because I had to leave so many people that I had come to love and treasure dearly. Leaving my job didn’t kill me, nor my calling (it was sad yes), not even leaving the beautiful beach and views in San Clemente (unbelievable right?)…just leaving behind important relationships, cherished friendships, love and support. Every place has new views…ie. the beach was a little slice of heaven, but the Manhattan skyline is pretty amazing too. Pedro’s Tacos, yum…but NYC, come on, there is food all around to die for. Every new place has so much to experience, so much to learn about and to learn from. New people to meet and appreciate. New food to be eaten. New paths to walk and endless places to discover. New favorites to be found. Maybe those are some of the many reasons that I can’t seem to stay situated for longer than a couple years. Is that weird?

As a kid, I was a TOTAL homebody. I would cry when my parents went on vacation until I was like 13. Home was always the ultimate place of comfort for me. My older sister was always the one to be happy to leave, get away, etc. But not me. I was perfectly content at home. Safe. Comfortable. Known. How I pulled such a stark 180 degree turn around, who knows. Seriously, think about it with me…..since I graduated from high school, I lived in Hawaii for 2 years, SLC for a while, Lithuania and Latvia for 1.5 years, Provo for a couple years, California for a couple years, now in New York City for who knows how long (more to come on that), and have visited nearly 20 countries. I can decide to move to NYC one day, and a week later be living and working there – navigating the metro and buses like a pro. Change is so refreshing to me. So healthy. So powerful, meaningful, and invigorating. It breathes renewed life into me somehow. Maybe, I need to find a man who works for the state department, so we can move to a new country every 2-3 years. Awesome. But then I think about having kids, and I want to have a stable home and environment for them to grow up in……..but then again, a stable home has nothing to do with being a permanently located physical home. Which brings to me another point that I have been reflecting on and again, so grateful for amidst all the change.

The gospel. The true and living and one and only Church of Jesus Christ. No matter where I go, in the ENTIRE WORLD, it’s there. Again, that stable home principle. I can go the church any Sunday in any part of the world (except mainland China and maybe a handful of other places, soon to be changing), and it’s the same. I love that. It ALWAYS keeps me grounded. I’m inexplicably grateful for that. The only other thing in my life that can even compare to that stability, is my family. So that’s it…my family and the gospel. And as I move around and life changes, my family grows, not only by marriage and births, but new relationships with those who used to be strangers can become family. There are probably 5-10 people in my life, outside of my immediate family, who I consider to truly be family. They provide that stability, that same bond and relationship, love, and ability to keep me grounded no matter where I fly. What a blessing. Seriously.

The things I want to keep writing will just take me in circles, so I’ll probably wrap it up for now. Thanks for listening. And if any of you have any contacts in the floral/wedding/event industry in NYC…let me know.

observations from life in upper harlem

hi folks, sorry I haven't blogged in a while - life has been a bit busy since I got to nyc and I am computer-less. yes, my computer died, as in the motherboard and power and everything pretty much blew up, after only 2.5 years of fairly trusty service. I have yet to find the will power and finances to purchase a new one that I really love. I think I honestly might just wait a couple months and save up and get a macbook finally. stupid pcs. if i spend over $600 on something, it should last more than 2 years, ya know? I mean, is that really too much to ask? Then again, buying a macbook would cost me the same as my first car cost me...but guess what, my first car that I bought for $1200 is still running. Yes, a 1994 mind you, and still going strong on the streets of Orem, even in blustery winter. I'm pretty sure there is a conspiracy in the computer industry to make sure everything breaks down IMMEDIATELY after your warranty runs out. The end.

But, this post is certainly not meant to be a ranting and venting session about my crappy HP computer blowing up. Sorry. Over it now... until I decide to go drop an entire paycheck on a new one, then I'll probably be bugged for another second or so.

anywho, this is really an update for my 3 faithful readers on life as of late, meaning, life in new york freaking city. that's right. for those of you just joining us tonight, I moved to the big apple last week - Harlem to be precise. I've had lots I want to write and remember, but I'll try and keep it simple with a list. I like lists. They keep me organized...and those of you who really know me, know that i'm slightly OCD, but my Dad would call me beyond OCD - I don't think I am, just compared to his "organized chaos." So here are some things so far about my experience in new york.

1. I work in midtown, about 10 blocks from grand central station. I live about 100 blocks north of work...in Harlem. My Mom worries about that. It didn't help when I jokingly told her that every subway stop as I head north toward home, more and more white people get off at every stop. I'm quite literally usually the only white person getting off at my stop (unless my roommate is with me, which rarely happens). I said it jokingly (even though it's 100% true), trying to make her laugh about it with me...think again Beth. I'm pretty sure it only made her worry more. Sorry Mom. I really do feel like the Lord protects me every single day though. I have never felt unsafe or uncomfortable yet. Not once. I hear police and ambulance sirens all the time from my work and my apartment, but not once when I have stepped outside have I heard them, or seen them, or felt worried in the slightest.

2. People are generally just good, whether you're living in Harlem or Orem, Utah. New Yorkers are known for being "hard" or "cold" and "unfriendly."  I've only been here a week, but I don't think that's really true at all. People are just people. I think here in NYC most of us are much like M&Ms, hard outer shell, melts fast once you get past that shell. On my mission I made it a habit of enjoying doing experiments with this too - if you smile at someone and make eye contact on the subway, or the street as you pass, 9 times out of 10 that person will smile back and even say hello.

3. I have been hit on more in the last week since living here than I have in the past like 10 years. Apparently, all the men in Harlem like a curvy white woman. Haha. Love it. Mostly, it just makes me feel good about myself.   :)

4. Even though I'm living with one of my best friends, the city really actually can be a very lonely place. Maybe some of you have experienced what I mean. It's easy to feel like you're jut buried in it all. One tiny rat in a giant maze of rats, both above and below ground, all of us like little rats running on and off every train and bus and taxi on this island called Manhattan. We're all just crammed into this cage, pushing through crowds, shuffling and racing around, avoiding eye contact, being shut out to the world, with our earphones in everywhere we go. It's easy to look up at the massive giants above you that disappear into the clouds and feel completely insignificant. It's easy to be in a such a place, to see others around you succeeding or struggling so desperately, and question the direction and purpose of your own life. To wonder if your goals are enough, or how you can be better at helping the rest of the 6 billion people on this planet who need a lot more than you do. Like I said, it's easy to feel lonely and insignificant in such a place as New York City.

5. Feet. Did you know that feet are the most commonly neglected part of the body? I've come down with mild planters fasciatis after only a week of walking the streets of new york, and my routine workouts every morning have gone out the window - both are terribly disappointing. My feet ached at the beginning of my mission as I adjusted to the change from being in the mtc for 10 weeks to walking 10 miles a day. However, this severe pain has been much different than the mission was, I literally feel like I'm walking on nails half the time, which is not a pleasant feeling. So today I found a great runner's store, they made me take off my shoes and walk around and move my feet in all sorts of different positions, then had me try on like 10 different pairs of shoes. The ones that were the absolute most comfortable and supportive, cost $200, so I said no thank you. So I went with the next most comfy, and got the guy to knock them down from $140 to $110, no taxes either. He was nice. I still hate paying that much for shoes (hello, am I my parents' daughter or what???) I was killing myself over it, but, I figure it's worth the investment since I don't have health insurance and I can't eve get new feet, so I'm might as well take care of them. If these sexy gray and yellow Nike's don't work out, maybe I'll have to go mission style and buy another pair of those awful, but comfy, "damn danskos" as we sisters used to call them.

6. Food. I'm honestly doing so much better at eating healthier. I'm down 10 pounds since Christmas, though my weightloss has slowed down since I haven't been doing my insanity workouts everyday. This is difficult though - food I mean. I'm in NYC, food heaven. There is a pizza joint every 3 stores with windows full of big slices of greasy, cheesy, delicious looking pizza that almost jumps out the window at me every time I walk by. Not to mention every kind of food imaginable from all over the world. It's a good thing I haven't made my way to little Italy yet...but I will let myself indulge at a few places over the next 5 weeks. I saw a picture on pinterest recently with a half eaten red velvet cupcake, and it said "life is short, you only live once, eat the damn red velvet cupcake." I agree. I may never live in new york city again, so I'm going to enjoy the food, but just not overdo it, and eat healthy breakfasts and lunches, then indulge every once in a while for dinner. On my list of places, Brezo 2 Lithuanian in Brooklyn - I haven't had Lithuanian food in ages. I'm stoked.

Finally, 7. Organized chaos. I don't think I've been here long enough at all to really decide if I could or would want to live here on a longer-term or more permanent basis. My gut feeling says no. I don't like feeling like a rat in a giant cage stuck in one of those little balls where you never really get anywhere, marching to the beat of the rhythms of a  never ending parade. Life just seems so rushed to me here though. Everyone always in a hurry to get where they're going. Life seems like it revolves around work, or living to work or working to live, depending on your situation - either way, neither of them fit for me, my lifestyle and what I want. I don't feel like I've had a second to really breath since I got here. The noise never stops. All day, all night. New York really is the city that never sleeps. We don't have any blinds in our apartment, and the street lights are too much, I have a hard time falling asleep most nights because of the light and the noise. Again, the constant rhythm of the city. The ground constantly rumbles with the rushing of trains in every direction. Sirens blaring all day and all night. Honking horns and pounding feet. The pipes in our top floor apartment constantly hissing and sometimes blaring out steamy tunes. At times it's almost soothing, other times I just want to be able to have some SILENCE. To be able to turn off all the noise and have some peace. I can't wait to go to the temple this week, smack in the middle of Manhattan and get away from it all, whilst being right in the thick of it at the same time.

Oh, one more...8. Ice skating in central park in the winter, followed by hot chocolate. Dream come true. Especially because one certain handsome man showed up that made the whole experience that much more glamorous and picture perfect. *sigh*  a girl can dream, right?

Ok, I feel like I've been writing forever and this post is super long. I'm pooped. I'm gonna g read myself to  sleep. Sorry this was so many words and no pictures. Like I said, I'm computer-less and have nowhere to upload my pictures too anyway.

Goodnight from the big apple.

expounding

ok so last night's post was written hastily. i was just so excited because my new adventure to NYC had just become official, so I had to write. let me expound for those of you wanting more details.

about a week ago i was joking with my bestie kristy, and said "kristy I should just come live with you in new york for a while." she said, "i think that's a great idea, I can even give you a job for 5 weeks." i thought she was joking...she was not.

so now i'm moving in with kristy and her sweet roomies from january 17- march 3. kristy's boss is going to be out of town for those 6 weeks and they need some extra help while he is gone. some extra help full time. 2 mormon girls taking over the lutheran church in nyc...huzzah! yes, she works at a beautiful lutheran church. i could literally pee my pants from excitement about the whole thing.

as for the job in utah, i'll be working for an entrepreneurial guy who runs one main company but is involved with a bunch of different ones - so I can't say i'm actually working just for one of them. but i'll be doing calendaring, bookkeeping, sales, research, phones, etc. etc. etc. salary. benefits. awesomeness. except it's in provo, but i'll survive. i'll be in living in draper or sandy probably. so commuting is not fun, but only 20-30 minutes from draper to provo, which is what i drove in california everyday, so i'm accustomed.

now on my list of things to do...

buy plane ticket to NYC. rad.
continue to work out everyday.
continue to eat green smoothies everyday.

make the ultimate list of things to do and see while in NYC. suggestions welcomed.

live in the joy.