3,219 Miles

I left on an incredible journey on Thursday, October 11, 2012. Here was my itinerary: 

October 11 - Drive from Orem to Albuquerque, NM

October 12 - Hang out in Albuquerque with Billy and Nathan.

October 13 - Drive to Fort Stockton, TX...spend the night in scuzzy Motel 6. However, the stop in Roswell, NM at the UFO museum and strolling the main street was awesome!

October 14- Drive to San Antonio, TX....spend the afternoon and evening downtown. Took a riverboat tour of the riverwalk. Walked the riverwalk, and ate delicious mexican food at a restaurant on the riverwalk. Visited the Alamo. Awesome day.

October 15 - Drive to Houston, TX. Spent the afternoon with my girl Brooke. Taste tested fro-yo at 5 different places and finally settled on pinkberry. Just chatted away for several hours. Man I love that girl so much! Such a rockstar in my book. Then I drove to South Houston and spent the evening with my dear friend Jason. We had a delicious Texan style steakhouse dinner where I only managed to eat about half way through my half-cow sized chicken fried steak. It was delicious though! Then we headed to the boardwalk and enjoyed the quiet warm night, and even took a horse-drawn carriage ride. So much fun!

October 16 - Drive to New Orleans, LA. I had booked another scuzzy motel 6, but they had a broken pipe, so I ended up at an actually nice hotel. It was awesome!

October 17 - spent the day exploring amazing New Orleans!!!!

October 18 - Drive to Atlanta, Georgia. Wanted to rip out my uterus 30 minutes into the drive...had to pull over in the middle of nowhere Mississippi at a gas station and take lots of ibuprofen and wait it out. Gag. 

October 19 - Spent the day in Atlanta with my wonderful friend Vickie from college. We were RA's together at BYU-Hawaii and it was so much fun to catch up with her and spend the day with her and her kids. We went to the Georgia Aquarium which is the largest in the nation supposedly, and then walked across to the Coca-Cola factory, where you get the history of Coke and they have a giant tasting room where you can taste all of the coke products that are sold in every country around the world. Then they even give you a free glass bottle of coke! Finished off the day with a delicious dinner at the Japanese hibachi grill with her hubby and kids. I felt so spoiled the whole weekend!

October 20 - Drive to Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Got to stay with Kat, one of my besties from California. She's going to Nursing school in NC. We got dinner at Cheesecake Factory and went and saw Pitch Perfect. I've been in serious need of a girls night, and it was just the ticket.

October 21 - North Carolina state fair!!! Also, Bojangles famous biscuits for breakfast (heart attack #1), and died Kat's hair dark red again. The state fair was full of the best people watching ever. North Carolina is still the south for sure. So great!

October 22 - Finally drive the last stretch to Virginia! What a trip! Pictures coming soon! 

left field - part 2

rewinding to 4 years ago...

Four years ago my brother got bit by a tick in the woods while serving the Lord in Canada on a full-time mission. We didn't know that. But in November of 2008 he got flu-like symptoms, then it just kept getting worse. One thing after another. He came home from his mission in June of 2009 with type 1 diabetes. He kept getting sicker, even though he got control of managing his diabetes much quicker than most people. then he met this amazing girl, Rebekah Jane. What a girl. Strong. Quiet (until you get her out of her shell). Stalwart. This girl is one of the most tenacious people I know. I couldn't handle half the things she has had to experience in her life, and I've got like 7 years on her. They got married in August of 2010, about a year after he came home. A few weeks later, his health plummeted in a steep downward spiral that seemed to have no bottom. He has lived through hell and back over the past 4 years. I won't get into too many details here, because it's his personal story to tell. I have my own hidden posts to let out my feelings, that someday, I'll make sure my kids and parents have access to. But it's still too fresh, and I can't share some of those things with the world, especially not this week.

There have been many times that my baby brother has literally almost died in the past 4 years. I hate recognizing the truthfulness of that statement. It scares the living hell out of me, especially having gone to Kelli's funeral today, for a dear friend whose life was much shorter than anyone ever anticipates. I've seen my kid brother on death's doorstep, multiple times, with my own two eyes. It's more terrifying than words could ever describe. Life is so fragile. We say that as a cliche, but it's truer than we can understand. Almost as bad as witnessing that, is not being able to do a damn thing to help them. I have no power to alleviate pain or to heal, physically or otherwise.

Finally, in March of this year, yes, 2012, my brother was finally diagnosed with late stage Lyme disease. Yes, that disease you talked about in scouts or in preparation for girls' camp. Ticks carry it. Dumb, tiny, little bastard bugs you can barely see. Dumb, tiny little bastard bacteria. Ruins lives. Kills. Eats away at bodies, organs, minds and hearts. So much suffering from something so small. It's a great parable, but I'll save that for another day. I don't really feel like being philosophical today. I'm also not going to apologize for my few words of inappropriate language here. This in my blog, my true words and feelings. Accept it, and please don't judge or criticize, especially when you haven't walked a mile in my shoes.

This past week has been one of those weeks when everything, little things and big things, when all the shit hits the fan. Each thing individually wouldn't push you to your limits, but all piled on at once it gets you right to the edge. Earlier last week, it was a bunch of little things that all just started happening and I was already frustrated and upset, at dumb things that I shouldn't ever let bother me, but I did. Broken tooth. Put my car up for sale, next day it dies. Replace battery for $100. It was the alternator. Estimated repair, $560. I should've sold it 2 weeks ago. Shit. Day car dies, I was heading to Orem to set up for a baby shower. I stop at home to pick up a few things - 6:00pm, my baby baby bro, the 13 yr old, is lying on my parents bed crying and crying. Oh crud. Bekah Jane has Lyme disease now too. Yep. You can get it that way too. No studies on it though, just proof in married, monogamous couples such as my bro and sis-in-law. Shit. Left and right, one thing after another. What a week. (Again, I'm not apologize for my language in these posts, so don't be offended.) What  wreck of a week. We all sit around and cry together for a while, then buck up and go get them dinner. A while ago, I posted about feeling angry at God. Those feelings came flooding back. I'm not angry at God right now, but I would love for it to be the weekend. I'd love to feel a little relief from life tonight.

This is me tonight, tired, sad, lonely, and buried in an oversized hoodie. It's okay to be sad friends. I feel like we too often stop ourselves from experiencing the full range of human emotions - especially within the church, because "it'll all be ok because we have the gospel." True, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't allow ourselves to feel the way we feel. We're only human, we have emotions for a reason. Validate yourself and your emotions by experiencing them. Cry. Laugh. Hurt. Curse if you must (I obviously do, it's cathartic for me, and not many things are). But FEEL. 

Folks, life is not fair. Obviously. That shouldn't be any lighting bolt to anyone, but sometimes I feel like it hits me that way over and over again. I'm restraining from sharing so many things right now. My fingers are tired. My heart is tired. It's kinda been an emotionally hellacious week. Oh, and to top it all off, work sucks this week, big time. It's stressing me out.

I've been so stressed out I woke up 2 days ago with this ginat coldsore, which you can't really see in this picture. Sorry, that is gross. But when I get stressed, that happens. 

Just when I've made a big decision to pick up my life and move, AGAIN, and start over, AGAIN, everything around me starts falling apart. That means that I'm either, 1) doing something right and Satan is a dirty little bastard and is trying to make me doubt my decision, or 2) I'm doing something wrong and God is trying to stop me. Mostly, I feel like it's Satan, so I'm gonna go with that.

For all those who missed the memo, I'm moving across the country to DC..well, Virginia to be specific. Mostly, people that really love me have been uberly, gushingly ecstatically supportive. But I've also gotten plenty of well-meaning judgments and criticism - "you should really put down some roots and just give one place some time," or "you'll never catch a man if you keep moving as much as you do," or "why would you ever wanna move to the East Coast, there are so many awful democrats there." BARF. Stop judging my life. Stop pretending like you understand anything about where I'm at in my life, because you don't. So back off. Be a Christian like you profess and love me unconditionally despite my life choices, my sins, or my marital status. And for the record, leaving Utah is not a bad choice for me, nor is it a sin, nor is being unmarried a sin, nor am I a failure. Thanks.

That was a good rant, had to get it out somewhere. That's all I've got energy for right now. More to come soon though.

"Faith is not knowing what the future holds, it's knowing WHO holds the future." I know Who does, so that's pretty much all that's important. Even when stuff keeps coming out of left field, or when you seem to be heading down a path and then you veer and take a sharp left turn, it usually turns out good in the end, for which I am grateful.

left field - part 1

Apparently it's the year that I only blog every three months. Sorry about that. I don't know what's gotten into me - a bad case of laziness? Permanent fatigue? Just plain too busy? Excuses, excuses. Sorry. Mostly sorry to myself and my future generations for being terrible at recording and thus sharing my life, my thoughts, my reflections and deep inner processes of life. I think we do need to share those things as appropriately, so that one day, my 27 year old single daughter will know that I actually understood what it feels like to have people criticize and judge her life and her life choices, when they really have no clue what they're talking about. Or so that if my life were to end unexpectedly, my family and friends could go back and read my thoughts - and remember me, who I am, what I believed, what I experienced, and how they played a part of it.

I realize that is all so serious...let me rewind the past couple of weeks...or even 4 years I guess.

A year ago my friend Kelli was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She didn't blink. The first time I saw her after her diagnosis, was about 6 months after she was diagnosed, had already been through rounds of chemo, and was in remission. We were having a girls night around Christmas time last year, and she cracked a joke about taking off her hair as we sat down for the movie because it was far too hot, and now she understood why guys keep their hair cut short all the time. That's how she always was. She just kept moving forward, with the utmost positive attitude about everything, never blinking. Kelli was a young single working gal like myself. Never married, but that never stopped her from living life the way it should. She was such an example to me of being stalwart, faithful, and optimistic. That is what I really learned from Kelli and her life and example - no matter what life throws at you, whether it be from left field or a line drive, you just swing for the fence and run, never looking back or stopping. She was courageous and valiant in every way.

I had the chance to visit with her for a few hours a couple of months ago. She was pretty sick, and was just starting another round of chemo. Her best friend Tiffany was in town taking care of her for a couple of weeks. Kelli was as positive and hopeful as ever. She didn't complain, she was telling me all about how this round and the upcoming rounds of chemo were a different path than her oncologist had taken with her before but felt like it was really going to make a difference. They'd be shorter, more powerful rounds of treatment, but more frequent. They really thought there were gonna get it this time, she told me. (For those of you who don't know, ovarian cancer is an extremely aggressive form of cancer). She didn't complain, not at all. Then she spent hours checking in on me and my life. We commiserated over dating and she gave me courage regarding the boy I had recently started dating, whom I had a date with the next day. She texted me the next day to see how it went. Although that was the last time I saw her, I'm glad that I left and we had spent the evening together laughing and loving and just discussing the realities of life - with hope. She had a smile on her face the last time I saw her. We talked a couple of times after that, and she would constantly text me to check in, just to see how I was doing. Freak, she was the one going through aggressive cancer treatments.

What a woman. I'm so grateful for her. I cried today, a lot. I mean, I balled like a baby. I was probably supposed to go back to work after the funeral was over, but I couldn't handle it. I got in my car, and I just lost it. I couldn't compose myself, and I definitely couldn't get a handle on my emotions enough to go back to work and deal with customers with class and composure. So I did what any emotional, tired, sad, hurting female would do - I went to In-N-Out and got a double-double and Dr. Pepper, and then stopped at The Sweet Tooth Fairy and got a cookie. No wonder I'm fat...hahaha. Food is totally my emotional comfort. SHAME ON ME. Oh well. Life goes on. Then I came home, took off my dress, my evil killer underwire, and plopped into bed for a nap. It wasn't so much a nap as it was a lay-down-for-a-while-to-decompress-but-not-really-sleep moment. It was good just to slow down for an hour.  You can see her brief obituary here: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/saltlaketribune/obituary.aspx?n=kelli-denise-livingston&pid=159951963#fbLoggedOut

I love you Kelli.

note to all the men out there...or boys I should say...

if and when  you're going to break up with someone after 3 months of dating...don't do it through a text message.

i say this to boys obviously, because  a real man, with decency and respect, would never do such a thing.

that is all.

isn't it ironic?

There's a song by our beloved Crazy Canuk, Alanis Morrissette that spells out the simple, everyday irony of life. I've been feeling that a lot lately. Irony in my everyday life. Not in a bad way, I've just been seeing it so much. The twists and turns of life often place us in a position to see our own lives  through a new lens or from a different perspective than we previously have. For me, lately, that has been through irony. 

Before I decided to actually sit down and write (I mean, hello, I haven't blogged since I WAS IN NYC!!!!! Sorry for the disappearing act), I had to read a little about irony, because although I know exactly what it means, I'm not great at articulating things. In fact, more often than not I feel like words are not my strong suit. 

This is what one blip told me about irony, and I thought it was adequate:

"The essential feature of irony  is the indirect presentation of a contradiction between an 
action or expression and the context in which it occurs. In the figure of speech, emphasis is placed on the opposition between the literal and intended 
meaning of a statement; one thing is said and its opposite implied, as in the comment,
 'Beautiful weather, isn't it?' made when it is raining or poor weather. Ironic literature exploits, in addition to the rhetorical figure, such devices as character development, situation, and plot to stress the paradoxical nature of reality or the contrast between an ideal and actual 
condition, set of circumstances, etc., frequently in such a way as to stress the absurdity
 present in the contradiction between substance and form."

I won't expound too much tonight on what I have found ironic lately about my own life, because I'm tired and have to get up in 7 hours, but I'm pretty darn sure that God has a great sense of humor.  :)

Sweet dreams, and I'll try to do some quick catch-up posts and get back in the swing of writing. I need to do it for my own sanity, if only I could make more hours in a day. 

It's Better to Look Up

Last night, I decided to take the bus home, because I like being able to actually see the city as I travel rather than just being underground or buried in an office all day. I usually take the train to work in the morning because it saves me lots of time and gives me a few more minutes of precious sleep each day.

For some reason, I came out the back door of the church last night and must’ve been unconsciously disoriented by this because I totally ended up on the right bus #, wrong direction. I was reading an email while waiting for the bus, saw my number and hopped right on, and kept reading my email. I kept staring at my phone…defeats the purpose of taking the bus to see the city right? It took me 46 blocks before I realized that I was now on the opposite end of where I was supposed to be going, at 8^th street instead of heading uptown to 110^th ….which was ok. I did have a cooking class that I was going to at 7:30 after work, but I had some time to spare so I hopped off the bus, smack in the middle of East Village, which I had never explored before, and I loved it!!!!!!! The spot I found myself was surrounded by tattoo parlors, psychics and astrologists, cheesy souvenir street vendors, $0.99 Pizza Slices and lots of neon lights. It was awesome!!!

I walked around several blocks, just taking in the ambiance, the vibe, the scenery, the crowd of people that is oh so different from my corporate midtown location. I saw lots of sketchy but delicious looking restaurants and bakery’s that I had to resist, due to the cooking class, and determined to bring myself back soon to partake of the goodness.  

Amidst the middle of all of the tattoo shops and cat-calling I was receiving (this is nothing new when I am surrounded by people non-Caucasian…and it’s done wonders for my self-esteem), I had this wonderful little moment of teaching from the Lord…………..

“It’s better to look up.”

You remember that talk from conference I’m sure? Well, not only did He remind me that is certainly is better to look up, but also that when we don’t look up and sometimes get a bit sidetracked, to still enjoy the adventure and love whatever comes your way. Rather than being so focused on the fact that something happened that you didn’t expect, even though it may be totally your own fault, be accountable and love it and live life! That is probably the biggest lesson I learned from it…in my “turn everything into a gospel analogy” mind (which I’m pretty sure comes from being a missionary and teaching at the MTC for a couple of years) – the lesson that life doesn’t always play out the way we want or plan or expect it to, and that’s OKAY! 

The Lord’s plan for each one of us is different than our own plan, and that when things do get sidetracked or go different to OUR plan, it’s best to just love the adventure of it and remember that it’s better to look up! It’s better to look up and see the incredible buildings surrounding you and realize that maybe it wasn’t really a mistake. Maybe the Lord wanted you to have some new experience that otherwise wouldn’t have happened. Maybe when our lives end up on the wrong bus route, it’s really for something great that the Lord has in store for us.

And I forget that all the time.

Now, none of that would have happened in the first place if I had been looking up and paying attention in the first place, but it happened, as life does, and the views and experiences and lessons made me better in the end. It also was just such a sweet reminder of how much the Lord really does love me, day in and day out.  :)

So, last night as I was standing outside some rather red-light district parts of town, on the wrong end of Manhattan from where I was supposed to be headed, the Lord taught me a great lesson, showed me some fun and beautiful things, and then, I found the right transportation and made it along my way just fine, and still got to my destination on time, in one piece, and having had some incredible moments getting there! 

v-day. the day of love. smoochy smoochy heaven-liness.

I’m not really sure how to start this post, or where it will go exactly, but attempt to write it I shall. I’m not the best at expressing my thoughts adequately in words, which is one reason I blog – to help me improve my ability to translate my thoughts into words. But forgive me if my message is truly insufficient for the way I feel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guinBnWWuKE  (Ok, here’s a little intro to my post…sort of…but mostly I just love this clip!)

Love. There really is nothing greater in this life than love. It is one of, if not THE most powerful, driving forces in life. And today, one day a year, we focus on and celebrate love.

Love takes countless shapes and manifests itself in countless ways. There are countless types of love. Love is shown through a tender kiss, an enveloping hug, sleepless nights by mothers around the world waking up to comfort their little ones, a kind word, a gentle smile, a helping hand, patience when and where patience may not seem deserved, taking out the trash or washing the dishes, and unimaginable other ways.  Love might be felt as romantic love, Christ-like love, the love for family, your best friend, the random teller at the bank who makes your day, or the old homeless man who acts as the security guard at the church in trade for a warm place to sleep. Love can be felt in every way, without rhyme or reason. It’s usually inexplicable and indescribable.  

Some might argue with me (incorrectly argue of course…haha!), but when all is said and done and it all comes down to it, everything we call love is/and/or comes from God. Anything that causes such emotions and purity of heart can only be from God. And all TRUE LOVE, REAL LOVE comes from God. Love for any sort of selfish reason isn’t really love.

"Since all love emanates from God, we are born with the capacity and the desire to love and to be loved. Responding to true love is part of our very being. We innately desire to reconnect here with the love we felt there. Only as we feel God’s love and fill our hearts with His love can we be truly happy. God’s love fills the immensity of space; therefore, there is no shortage of love in the universe, only in our willingness to do what is needed to feel it. Trying to find love without helping and sacrificing for others is like trying to live without eating—it is against the laws of nature and cannot succeed. We cannot fake love. It must become part of us." -John Groberg

The day of love. February 14. Valentine’s Day. What a day! I love having a holiday to celebrate love…even though yes, it’s been totally commercialized, blah blah blah, and I hate that roses cost $1.50/stem WHOLESALE…blah blah blah…but really, not that we need a day to celebrate love – I’m really happy we do it anyway. There have been years where I’ve been bitter to be “alone” and “single” on this one particular day of all days…but not this year. Yes, I’m still alone and single…but not really. I look around and I love seeing a crazy, busy world, in probably the craziest and busiest city, filled with love. People say New Yorkers are cold and heartless – I think the total opposite. Every single day, I see kindness. I see love manifest. I see people give food and a few dollars to the homeless old woman who sits on the cold ground, leaning against the fence on 53^rd and Lexington Avenue. I see shy hidden smiles and glances on the subway. I see people helping others pick up their books and bags that they dropped on a busy street corner. I see people get up and offer their seats on the subway to older folks, women and children. I see others letting that love and goodness creep out of hard outer shells every. single. day. And I love it. It’s everywhere.

Now don’t get me wrong – would I love to receive flowers or chocolates or any other array of delectable gifts from a handsome man on Valentine’s Day? Of course I’d love it. Would I love to be going to dinner and cuddling and spending the evening with that special someone that I care about more than life itself? Of course I’d love it. Do I feel lonely and ache for the companionship and deep abiding trust and love and comfort that comes from that relationship that you put your whole heart and soul into? Every. Single. Day. BUT…

My life is still filled with love. Because, as stated previously, all true, real love comes from God, and is manifest every single day in every single way around me. Sometimes, I forget that. Sometimes, I just miss it. Sometimes, I am too busy or just plain old too damn prideful to see it. Nonetheless, it’s there. I’m reminded of God’s love every day that I am blessed to wake up. To live. Every breath I breath is given to me from God –what a sweet manifestation of His perfect, eternal love. I’m reminded of it when the cold, crisp morning air takes my breath away or when the beauty of the falling snow does the same, catching me off guard every time as I look at its absolute perfection. I’m reminded of His love when I jump on an airplane, take off, watch the serenity of the clouds beneath me and 4 hours later arrive safely at home with my loving family. I’m reminded of His love when He helps me professionally – dropping opportunities in my lap that I couldn’t have made happen all on my own. I’m reminded of His love as caring friends, roommates and strangers kneel and pray for my terribly ill little brother, with faith to bring peace and healing.

I could spend a lifetime writing the things that show me God’s love and still never finish. He has given me life, the very breath I breathe, and I feel and see and experience LOVE every, single, day.

To the few of you actually reading this, and to my future self when I come back and read this someday, I pray that you stop a moment and look around and recognize how much love truly fills your lives.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I LOVE YOU.

-B.