Caution: Puking may ensue soon

You might all think that I'm sick or something by the title of this post, but you would be wrong. Well, not necessarily. I'm not physically ill, but rather love sick you could say. Let me expound.

When it comes to the opposite sex, I am a disaster. I don't know anything about them. Whenever there is a guy that I am even semi interested in, I get so nervous and I tense up every time I even see them. Awkward. That's what it comes down to. I turn into a totally awkward mess of nervousness and anxiety. Which is exactly what happened tonight.

I've been secretly crushing on this boy in my ward ALL summer. But I could definitely use some lessons in the world of flirting and the games necessary in the world of dating. I could barely muster up the courage to talk to him all summer, or at least nothing more than a smile and hello. However, lately I've decided that I need to take more initiative or nothing will ever happen. So for the past month since I got back to California I've been working on that in very small ways, such as sitting by him at a fireside, making sure I actually say something more than hello every time I see him, etc. I know that doesn't sound overly significant, but it's major progress for me.

This past weekend was general conference, and my friend Crystal and I decided last minute to invite friends over for breakfast before the Sunday morning session. This boy was the only one who ended up coming, (besides Crystal and I), and about 4 other people who were going to come slept in late and missed it. So the 3 of us spent all day together, watching conference, walking on the beach, eating way too much, etc. It was such a blast, so comfortable and not awkward at all. During the day I came to find out that he really loves cars and actually knows what he's talking about when it comes to cars. Perfect! 

I got these 2 free tickets to the Orange County Auto Show this coming weekend. So, Crystal has been prepping me all day to ask him tonight at FHE. After FHE was over, he was there, I was there, I could feel my nerves giving way. I couldn't do it. I felt this epic failure coming on, that I was so nervous I wouldn't even do it. But then something overtook me - maybe 4 months of distant admiration, who knows. I walked right up to him as he was getting ready to leave, asked him if he wanted to go Thursday night, he said yes, and we're going. I'm absolutely positive that my face was bright red and I had disaster written all over me. 

But he said yes, that's the important part. After he left, I literally thought I was going to pass out and had to walk outside to get some fresh air in the rain. I know that sounds SO lame, but I literally turn into a pile of mush when I'm around him. But asking him out on a date.......that definitely maxes out my courage for quite a while. 

And I definitely don't like asking guys out in general. I find it such a tricky balance between being too forward....and never dating at all. I think that if a guy is interested, he should ask the girl out. But it just doesn't go both ways, because if a girl asks a guy out, she's too bold and that's scary and too forward as previously mentioned. But I figure, I can sit around and keep trying to just let it happen, or take a big scary risk but at least make some progress or change either way, right? Any thoughts? 

The rules of dating have obviously changed since the picturesque, idealistic image of the 1950's, when men were men, and women were women, and people fell into the appropriate roles (most of the time, there are obviously always outliers). But what are the new rules? There is so much ambiguity and confusion about it all, especially to me in Mormon culture where traditional gender roles still hold much more true than in other cultures of our society.

Anyway, that's what I'm feeling. Confusion. Anxiety. Total excitement that I'm going to learn all about cars with a super great guy on Thursday night. Nervous that I've overstepped my bounds or intimidated or will scare away because I asked him out. Ugh. Aaarrrrggggghhhhhhh. Someone just needs to write a rule book about it. Does anybody have the answers? 

And that leads to more questions when it comes to girls asking guys out. For example - who drives? If the girl drives, does the guy still open her door for her? The list goes on and on........

Somebody please give me a manual on all this, or I might be single - *imagine Small's voice from Sandlot* F-O-R-E-V-E-R!

I think I might puke soon. It's been a few hours since this encounter took place, and I'm still as nervous as if I was standing in front of him. 

Wish me luck, and pray that I can keep myself composed on Thursday night. Any thoughts on dinner? I was maybe thinking Cheesecake Factory - I've never been there, but I've heard people love it and it's in the medium price range. Please share your ideas. 

Sorry this was so long. The end.