exhausted. frustrated. angry.

it's only tuesday night, yet it feels like friday at 3pm. this isn't a complain post, just a simple stating of the facts in my life this week. and i'm too tired and too lazy right now to even use appropriate capitalization or punctuation.

my little bro flew in on Saturday night. he had a dr's appt on monday.

i told you about my employment craziness last week. i started at my new job monday - yesterday. i actually really enjoyed my first day of work. i'm now officially learning my 3rd language - the law. my head is overflowing with new vocabulary, which is exciting and I actually feel like I'm working, and learning lots of new things, and it's exhausting, in a good way. sad part is, I work for an attorney who only does family law. which in orange county the vast majority of that means divorce. messy, heated, angry divorce. families torn apart. children in therapy. custody battles. changing visitation rights. domestic violence. restraining orders. sad. not a depressing work environment though, i love the people i work with and the fun we have. just a sad subject matter that makes me even more cautious yet determined to make marriage work no matter what, once i get there.

monday night i was supposed to take my bro to the airport so he could fly back home. but he had an extremely severe reaction that caused him to be unable to travel home. i won't go into details, it's not my place. but suffice it to say that i've never seen my brother in so much pain, or so uncomfortable. i hate being completely helpless - to see my brother, who I would literally do anything for in the world, and not be able to do a dang thing. i can't take away any of his pain. i can't even make him more comfortable. 

i hate type 1 diabetes.

i hate rheumatoid arthritis.

i hate that someone i love more than life suffers from both of them at the same time.

i hate that there are no cures for either chronic disease. 

i hate it all yet understand that life is not fair. that doesn't mean it's ok and it doesn't make it any easier. i know the gospel is true, and beyond anything else that the atonement is real, but that doesn't take away 100% of our pain all the time. yet too often the culture of the church treats it like the opposite is true. 

i hate being able to do nothing. it's against my very nature of nurturing.

can you tell i'm frustrated about it? for the past 3 days all i wanted to be able to do was to fix it, to make it better in any way. but i couldn't. i didn't sleep last night because i had to keep checking on him to make sure he hadn't passed out from low blood sugar because he was so nauseous he couldn't eat anything. one bite or one swallow of anything just kept coming straight back up. i literally didn't sleep at all. 

then i got up at 6:30 am to go to work, like an adult. i worked from 8-6. i drank 3 bottles of diet dr. pepper and still barely  made it through the day awake. i could hardly focus. i was worried about my brother all day. i wanted to be there to take care of him. luckily he laid at home and slept all day. he's still not feeling great, but not vomiting anymore. then our neighbor drove him to the airport cuz i had to work still. i didn't even get to say goodbye. sad. i hope he starts feeling better soon, and that his drs find some good pain meds that will help him get more comfortable and address some of his symptoms, both for his diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis.

now i'm home. exhausted to the bone. 9 hour days at work after nights of no sleep are long. but then we get off at NOON every friday. rock on. 

i'm so tired i'm not even going to institute tonight. i know that's bad. but i just drove a half hour home, and i'd have to drive a half hour back to institute. i'll go tomorrow night for sure though. i think i'll sit here and watch GLEE instead. yes. I am a gleek. 

it's only tuesday.