Birthday Eve

So, when I have another birthday, it always causes a little bit of self introspection and reflection...what have I accomplish in the past year, where do I want to be a year from now. It's like New Year's only better...because I actually feel more of a push to progress and set goals as I AGE rather than just at the new year. I haven't spent a bunch of time working through all the things I'm going to say below, it's pretty spur of the moment to be honest, but it's good to get it on paper. Here goes, a few thoughts on the eve of my 26th birthday (yes, you read that correctly, 26! holy smokes!)

1) for some reason, 26 feels significantly older than turning 25 did. It's like the downhill slope to 30, late 20's instead of early 20's.....gross. weird. old, but not really.

2) I have been on this planet for more than a quarter of a century...and what have I accomplished in these past 26 years?

3) At 26, I am a curvy, voluptuous woman...but a little too curvy. I need to learn how to start taking care of myself again.

4) I would like to learn how to really do my makeup to look nice. I think I'm going to take myself to the MAC counter, or sephora, or clinique and have somebody teach me. It's about time.

5) I would like to actually date somebody this year. Like a full blown, serious relationship.

6) To start off, I would like to go on a date with Neal Mortensen. He is a babe. A studly new marine in my ward. Return missionary. Humble. Sincere. Funny. Chivalrous. Manly. Intelligent. And looks so hot in uniform. Yummy.

7) I am going to start running. It's a major goal for me right now. And my bestie Miriam is moving in with me for the next 2 months, and she is a big runner. She is going to help me. And Agne Kelermanaite is my inspiration, along with my favorite picture from my mission when I was skinny and looking oh so hot. I'm going to reprint it a bunch of times and plaster it all over the place as a reminder, positive affirmation, and motivator.

8) I want to learn how to sprint harder in fulfilling my calling with everything I have. It's overwhelming sometimes, but in the singles ward, callings usually don't last longer than a year or two. I can serve better. With more faith. With a more willing heart. Closer to the Spirit. More in line with God's will.

9) I want to learn to be more forgiving to myself for my own faults and weaknesses, and learn how to be more humble to rely on God to help me with them.

10) I will tell my family more frequently how much I love them and am grateful for them. The past couple of years we've had our fair share of challenges, and life is just hard sometimes, and sometimes people get all on edge and don't express the love that we should. So I would like to change that in my life.

11) I want to share the gospel with someone close to me and help them come home back to Christ.

12) I will finish floral design school and start freelance wedding floral design. It is one of my few passions, and it brings me a lot of joy, a great feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction seeing something beautiful that I have created that brings beauty and happiness to others too, even in a small way and for a short time.

13) I want to live my life for me and in line with God's will...and not for anybody else's expectations or desires.

14) I will read more books for fun, for me, for learning and enrichment and entertainment.

15) I will cook more this year. And learn to cook new exciting recipes, increase my skills, and expand my horizons for new foods and flavors, and not be so picky.

16) I will spend more time with little kids. I miss that sometimes. I'm ALWAYS around adults. And kids teach us how to be happy with who we are and with life. It always seems to make so much more sense around kids. Black and white. Clarity. Ya know?

17) I will learn to flirt with boys. I will practice and role play if I must. But if I must, I will go and go.

18) I will invest in my personal education, hobbies and pursuits to rediscover myself and things I love and appreciate, or things that I don't know yet that I love and appreciate but will come to.

19) I will not be afraid to express my feelings toward others and hold back like I so often have to "not ruin the friendship." Lame. Hasn't gotten me anywhere thus far and we're not friends anymore anyway.

20) I will continue to go on blind dates and setups.

21) I will branch out and go to activities with other singles wards here in California and meet new people every week.

22) I will walk on the beach at least twice a week...I should say every day, but I know realistically it won't happen yet.

23) I would like to have a summer "fling" (in mormon terms of course), which would then be ok if it turned into something more...but at least kiss a handsome man by the end of the summer.

24) I will attend one of my best friend's wedding in SLC, UT on July 29, 2011. What a lucky man this guy is to marry my friend.

25) I would like to take a spur of the moment road trip with a dear friend and just start driving one day.

26) Finally, I will continue to choose happiness this year.

HAPPY 26th BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!! Cuz I deserve it. Cuz I am one of the coolest, most beautiful, most wonderful people I know. Cheers to me!   ;)

Love y'all!

sleep deprivation

my body is in reject mode or something.

i got home from work today around 6:30-7ish. I ate dinner on my porch with my roommie. our conversation went something like this, while watching the sunset as we ate dinner outside:

me: what a perfect day outside. all i was wishing all day was that i could play hookie and go to the beach.

roommie: well what do you have going on tonight?

me: nothing actually. surprisingly. miraculously.

roommie: then we definitely need to go for a nice walk on the beach later tonight. it is so perfect right now. 

me: sweet. sounds great. I'm gonna go lay down for a little cat nap, then we'll go.

roommie: ok, sounds perfect.

*******11:30pm*****************

me: roll over, wake up with face in puddle of drool, look at phone, realize it's 11:30pm. 

me: get up, take my pills, brush my teeth, check computer, going back to bed.

I must've been more tired than I consciously realized, but apparently my body new what it wanted. 

off to bed I go.

 

may this is what happens when you consistently don't get enough sleep and work too hard. 

that's gonna hurt

my doctor got arrested for heavy cocaine possession and usage, whilst sleeping with a 29 year old in his car in the office parking structure. he is like 60 and married, and one of the most renowned endocrinologists and diabetologists in the entire country.

no, I'm not joking about any of that.

i saw him for my autoimmune thyroid disease...I might have to find a new doctor. he's back out of prison, at least according to the newspaper. but i get the feeling these events might have some ramifications to his medical practice, or license, or patient trust if ya know what i mean.

sad sad sad. such an incredible doctor. stupid decisions. now screwed up his career, probably his marriage, basically his life. lame.

and now i have to find someone else to write my thyroid medication prescription.

random huh?

saturday morning slugishness

good morning...almost afternoon

i haven't been blogging much lately, due to the lack of easily accessible internet - but i finally have internet at home, and you may be hearing more from me.

it's saturday morning, and this week has been pure exhaustion. no particular reason other than just working hard ya know.

last night one of my bestest bestest friends called me. she is engaged. my heart felt like it was going to literally pop right out of my rib cage from excitement. this girl is by far one of the absolutely most incredible women i have ever known. she moved to buffalo, new york last summer for a master's program and internship, thinking that she was going to be alone and definitely have no social life for 2 solid years. then she met him.

there's a story behind it all though. her fiance has a beautiful 9 or 10 month old baby girl. his wife died of cancer shortly after giving birth. he's in dental school. new baby. widowed. crazy right? then comes along my dear dear friend. if there is anybody on the face of the planet with the love and capacity to take on all of that, it is her. there isn't anyone better suited for it.

i'm just so freaking stoked for her right now, it's a little unreal. so happy i can't write in complete sentences or with proper grammar or punctuation. so happy.

hope. my friends, there is always hope for the good things to come in the future. especially when we are living right, keeping the commandments, and moving forward, there is hope. i love it.

wowzers.

I’ve made a new friend this week, and he makes me so happy, yet at the same time, my heart aches for him.

He loves music, and loves recording it. He loves listening to the good stuff from the 50’s and 60’s.

He has these intensely beautiful brown eyes that just melt my heart and are definitely a window to his soul. Along with his gorgeous smile, which is starting to make its way out more frequently, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But he is full of pain. Deep, intense pain from a lifetime of broken relationships, disappointments and proof day in and day out that love does not exist in his world. So. So. So. Sad. But don’t you worry, there are plenty of people working on him right now.

You’re all getting all excited now right? Slow down. I didn’t say any of this was in a romantic way. I love this man for sure, but not in the dating sort of way. But I tell you what –experiencing even a small piece of the love the Savior feels for this special person –wow! Unreal! That is what I have been feeling for him this week. And it rocks my socks off! It has been reminding me of that love that I felt for total strangers everywhere I went as a missionary.

True charity is much more of a rarity than it should be in this world. We struggle so much to be filled with that type of love, even as members of Christ’s church and having the blessing of the gift of the Holy Ghost. How much greater would this world honestly be if we all had a little bit more love. We are divine beings, and we are capable of such greatness, so much powerful love and kindness. We need that more in our lives, every single day.

Back to this new friend of mine…he is a stud to say the least. He is just grappling onto the smallest pieces of light and hope that he can find, and making a big change, little by little. I am incredibly blessed by his example and his faith (which he doesn’t quite yet realize that he has). Having never fallen too far away from the gospel myself (at least not off the deep end, or not really lost hope or my underlying faith), I am constantly amazed when I see people come back and grasp on for dear life. It is the most amazing, miraculous thing that I think one can ever witness. Seriously. That is happening for this friend right now. And I love it.

It makes me giddy inside, and out. Last night after we sat and talked in my car for a couple hours after our drive back from Taco Tuesday, I went home and could barely contain myself. My heart was aching for him to be filled with God’s love and with that hope of the gospel that he so desperately desires, but also rejoicing because he’s about to get smacked in the face with all full force and he has no idea what is about to hit him. So cool.

That’s all. The gospel is true. We are so blessed. God loves us. (Do I sound like a preachy missionary yet?) But really, come on people! Freak.

Confessions of a Cry Baby

I have a confession to make. It might sound so lame and childish, but it happened.


I left Utah yesterday morning after spending 4.5 blissfully wonderful days with my family over the weekend. It was awesome. But, I literally cried all the way from Orem to Nephi, UT while driving. For those of you unfamiliar with Utah’s geography, that is about 45 minutes to 1 hour-ish. Due to construction on I-15, it was an hour yesterday. And I’m not saying a few slowly rolling tears down one cheek, I mean full on, uncontrollable sobbing. The kind where you can’t really breathe, and your stomach is heaving, and you can barely see. All of those things are dangerous while driving. But I couldn’t stop it. They just kept coming out.

You may ask why? Well, it was a combination of things. Let me explain.

You are already aware of my previously and numerously mentioned times about my aching loneliness in my life. When I go home (not literally home to Utah, but to my FAMILIA), that loneliness disappears. Being with my family fills most of that gaping hole in my life. There is nothing like having that unconditional love and acceptance that exists in a family. They are my world!

Having my little brother (who is not so little anymore) cuddle up in bed with me every night while I was home, and giving me hugs over and over and over, and ditching his friends all weekend to just hang out with me – that is so beyond priceless. Or having my little sister cuddle up with me every night too on my other side, and telling me about her date earlier that night, and her fears about having to grow up and move out next year – priceless. Being able to cuddle up next to my Mom and Dad, and talk to them about my fears and concerns and just life, and knowing that they actually really do get it, they understand – priceless.

We didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. In fact, the entire weekend was quite ordinary. We curled up together on my parents’ bed like we do every year and watched conference together. Mom made yummy pancakes for breakfast like she always does for conference or the typical Sunday morning. We went on our Saturday Costco run and had lunch at Zupa’s (my favorite restaurant!), and watched NCIS on DVD at night. The girls and Josh went out to dinner during priesthood session, like we always do, then we watched Tangled together. So stinkin’ cute. We cuddled and had tickle fights. We made 2 quilts during conference sessions and delivered them. It was a perfectly ordinary general conference weekend, and was perfectly perfect.

The comfort of the ordinary-ness of home. My parents’ house will always smell the same. It will always be impossible to find a pair of scissors in their house. The carb cupboard will always be full of yummy and unhealthy junk food for late night consumption. The ceramic mugs that we’ve collected over the years will always be in the same place. People will always dump their stuff in the same spots, year after year after year. Mom will still love planting flowers every spring, even when she knows it will probably snow the next day (like it did this weekend!). Dad will always be a workaholic, constantly dabbling in a million things and somehow constantly serving others. They will continue to amaze me at their capacity for goodness, love and kindness.

It is so comfortable. It is safety. And warmth. And love. It is inner peace. It is home.

Now, back to the unsafe sobbing while driving at high freeway speeds. I had to leave all of that beauty. All of the wonderful, homely, comforting bliss. I couldn’t even make it from my parents’ house to the freeway before it started. So, it is a combination of missing all of that, but mashed up with the fact that there is nothing in life that causes me more fear or anxiety than the thought of having to face the rest of my life alone, with no companion to share it with. That thought and possible reality scares the (excuse my language) hell out of me. Nothing could be worse than that to me. A life of solitude and heartache. I yearn so deeply for love, for companionship, for a beautiful, eternal marriage and eternal family.

Being home made me realize again how much I desire that. I would honestly say that it is my deepest desire in life right now. And general conference obviously made me think about it a lot too – tons of people spoke about us single members getting married, and how awesome the women of the church are, and blah blah blah. It all struck me to the core, and came exploding from my tear ducts when I left. If I could look at myself when it was happening, it probably would’ve been a pretty pathetic scene. But nonetheless, it happened.

Then Heavenly Father and I had a pretty good intense heart to heart for a few hours of my drive. He didn’t tell me when or even if I would get married in this life, and find those things that I yearn for. But He told me it would be ok, that it would all work out because He has promised me multiple times throughout my life that it will. He didn’t make the pain go away, because he usually doesn’t. But He made it bearable. He let me know that I could live each day with strength and fervor and love for life and others as I strive to serve them. He let me know that I just need to keep going, one day at a time. He let me know that I am in fact not failing at my calling, and told me to just keep trying, and that He’d continue to help me day by day as I do my best. Most importantly, He gently reassured me that HE loves me, and that that fact is enough. HIS love is enough. It always has been and it always will be. It is the sustaining force in my life, that is present in everything around me – and at some point, it will be present by the companionship of that special person.



So that’s it, sorry for the killer long post. That’s my confession. I cry like a baby when I leave my family. I talk to God for hours on end while driving by myself. Sometimes I am a complete and utter emotional wreck (frequently actually). And I’m happy. And the Gospel and God’s love is the underlying power to everything in my life. True confessions.

Off to Zion

That last post about the recent changes in my life really deserved a lot more attention and details, but I didn't have the time nor the appropriate Internet access. It's too hard to blog from my phone, and I STILL don't have access at my apartment....I hate you AT&T. Boo!

I'm coming to Utah this weekend to join the saints of Zion...jk. Ok not really joking, I'm coming. But I'll sit in my PJ's all weekend and watch conference at home on my parent's bed or big blue canoodling couch, with breakfast on my lap (either Mom's yummy waffles drowning in ooey-gooey maple syrup or Ernie's breakfast sandwich). Yum.

I'll head on over to my mission reunion Friday night and remember those oh so distant, incredible times back in the Baltics. What a sweet treat. i'm even going to go home and look at my mission scrapbook and journal tonight. Sometimes I forget what a miracle that was every single day. I can't believe the things I really did through God's power. Freaking amazing.

Mostly, I'm just stoked to see my family though. I've been sort of homesick for my family lately. I don't get like that very often. It's even more weird though because my brother and sis-in-law just moved to California a block away from me, and I've only really been homesick since they moved here. Is that weird or what? Anywho, it will just be a nice break from the insanity that I call my life.

PS, I'm really lonely. And I've been feeling it a lot lately. I'm surrounded by people all the time. I work to serve others all day every day, but I'm still so lonely. There are a lot of days when I really feel like my life doesn't matter to anybody, not another single human being. Then, somehow, Heavenly Father reminds me that He loves me, and it doesn't really matter too much if I feel like nobody else does. His love sustains me, especially in the deepest darkest times of loneliness. I know it will change, but lately, it's been aching. Significantly.

That's all. Oh, and I have a sinus infection. The first one since I moved to California though. Last winter in Utah I had 5 sinus infections. Gross. I forgot how awful that is. I haven't been able to breath, smell, taste, sleep, think or even remotely focus for the past 2 days.

Sorry, I sound like I'm complaining. I'm not, just stating what's happening in my life right now. On an ending positive note - it's totally gorgeous and sunny outside, 62 degrees, and it's quitting time. Home I go for dinner, sudafed, antibiotics and sleep.

See you soon!