thoughts...

Last week was brutally difficult for me. I will spare you most of the details, because it’s too personal to share for the world. But suffice it to say that I had moments last week when I felt more drained, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically than I ever have. I had moments of weakness and doubt. My heart feels so much pressure that I just don’t know if I can take it sometimes. God really does test us to our extremes, and in doing so He is able to truly show us His power.

I’ve recently decided and had a little bit of minimal insight on the following – it’s ok to be angry at God. For a long time I felt like being angry at God made me a bad person. A weak saint. Faithless. It made me feel so guilty. And this really is all my personal opinion, and many may not agree, but it’s the understanding that I have come to for myself, from my Father in Heaven teaching me about it. It’s ok and normal to be mad at your parents…earthly or Heavenly. I got mad at my parents all the time growing up – I still do occasionally, but rarely.  I would get angry, the only thing is, and this is what I relearned and realized in a new way recently, is that even though I get angry, my parents are/were still usually right. And that’s pretty much how it works with God too.

We really can’t understand His reasons most of the time, we don’t have His wisdom and omniscience regarding this grand journey of life, be it a whole picture or our own individual lives, but He’s still right. And I think it’s important to allow ourselves to experience the full range of human emotions, even if that means being mad at God once in a while, or even for a long time. If we allow ourselves to experience that, we allow ourselves to work through it, to work through the emotions and the lack of understanding and dig into it all to try and find some answers and peace about it all. But if we don’t allow ourselves that opportunity, I think we can really do more damage by holding ourselves back from being truly humbled and reliant on the Lord to figure it out. Does that make sense? For a long time I tried to not let myself feel angry at God because it made me feel guilty and weak. It literally made me feel like I was not being a faithful disciple. That my testimony was being rocked if I let myself feel that way. But I recently learned, again this is just for me personally, that quite the opposite is true.

Even though I have gotten mad at my earthly parents before, thrown tantrums of sorts, been impatient and quite angry with them, they still love me. They still forgive me. They still help and guide and support and keep on doing what is best for me – even, and especially when I don’t understand it. And I’m eternally grateful for that. God is the exact same way. And that is comforting. We can be mad at Him. He still loves us more than we could ever comprehend. He will continue to always forgive us, to be patient with us, and to try us and test us.

I recently read Elder Hales’ talk from October General Conference 2011, wherein he talks about waiting upon the Lord, suffering, etc. It’s worth re-reading or listening to. Go check it out here.

http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/waiting-upon-the-lord-thy-will-be-done?lang=eng

Thanks for listening. 

gratitude

I'm grateful to my parents for living and teaching me the principles of true freedom, of a free market system, and for the OPPORTUNITY to work hard each day to feed myself; to PURSUE life, liberty and happiness; to find personal growth and satisfaction through striving to fulfill my potential in a variety of ways and by a variety of means, including work and developing personal passions and skills and contributing to the world by doing so. I'm grateful for capitalism. I'm grateful that planning + work = progress....whether on an individual scale, for local government, or for an entire nation. I read the following today from a friend's post and it made me smile, because it's true. People may fight against these ideas and economic principles forever, but they are nonetheless true. 








An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan". All grades will be averaged and... everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A.... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all). After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F. As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed. It could not be any simpler than that. 1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. 2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. 3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. 4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it! 5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

side note to my previous post

as i was buying car insurance...I discovered that year and make of my recently purchased car is classified as a WAGON not a minivan....like I said, it's a mini-mini van....or to the insurance world, a WAGON. yeah. i feel good about that. haha.

still looks like a minivan to me.

pride or shame?

i can't believe what ACTUALLY happened today...be prepared to die laughing or be full of pity and shame for me. haha.

so, i've been in the market for a car again, since i'm moving to utah, been doing lots of weddings and plan to do LOTS more, i needed a car to function for that. and my little mazda 3 sport just couldn't do it. so i sold her. the grey goose was sold about 3 weeks ago now. i was researching and shopping all over again before i sold her, but it's taken me a while to really make the best choice in all arenas.

i needed something that was FLAT, had lots of cargo capacity and HEIGHT for all these tall arrangements, still gets decent gas mileage and didn't cost and arm and a leg to drive, maintain, or insure. i looked at trucks with shells, cargo vans, small suvs, minivans, big suvs, sprinter vans, everything i could think of that would meet my needs.

and in the end, the most economical and affordable, most logical, most versatile, but most embarrassing choice won me over.

drumroll please...................

.........................................
......................................

......................................

..........................................

.........................................

........................................

.........................................

are you ready to die laughing yet?????

.........................................

........................................

.........................................

........................................

............................................

..........................................

........................................

I am now the proud...wait...will probably be proud and less ashamed once it has a sexy vinyl car wrap on it covered in flowers, bold blossoms logo and contact info....owner of a......

................................................

yes, i'm sure you guessed it or just scrolled right down to the pictures........

yes, yes, yes, I am 26 years old, single, no prospects, and I own a minivan.  here she is.....

i can't really decide yet how i feel. mostly happy to have my own car again, and to not be driving a suburban that gets like 10mpg. and maybe once I make her my own, come up with a name, get to know her personality a bit more, i'll feel more thrilled about it. but right now, i feel lame. haha. but in a good way i guess. 

details:

2003 Mazda MPV

seats 7

back row bench seat fold FLAT into the floor, leaving for TONS of flat, tall cargo space, perfect for loading up with flowers and other such goodies. 

leather interior in immaculate condition

only 1 previous owner, traded it in for a new one of the same model

california driven, no nasty utah winters and salt damage....yet 

automatic sliding doors

power everything

dvd player....ultimate date machine.....throw some pillows and blankets in the back for our own little drive-in movie  :)  (ssshhh, Nila, don't tell president!  ;) wink wink) 

25-27mpg on the freeway, 20 around town

one of the main things i highly dislike about minivans is their shape... among other less desirable qualities like it being the ultimate mom machine, and in utah? hello, what was I thinking. oh well. anyway, i don't like how minivans have rounded rear ends and sloping pointy front ends. but this little gem is really a much more boxy shaped minivan, so I feel ok about it. it also has running boards, which most minivans do not, and makes it look a little bit sleeker. it's also metallic black outside, gray leather interior. not like pale blue or silver or white....which is the color of every other minivan in the world. 

i'll take some real pictures tomorrow when I go to pick her up. be thinking of good names for the world's now coolest, shiny black, company minivan. woot woot!!!!! 

I also figure, I just have to rock it, right? and if anything is my saving grace, it will be the ridiculously sweet vinyl car wrap that I am ordering TOMORROW. 

dating schmating and other fairly silly tales

dating is exhausting. it's so draining. supposidly it's worth it in the long run, but i'm tired. the end.

other fairly silly tales...
i feel like i'm only half way living 2 lives right now - one in california, and one in utah - which also happens to be exhausting.

trying to buy a car - exhausting.

trying to find a job in another state when you don't live there and the economy is in the tank and you can't interview for anything because, oh, you live 2 states over - exhausting. i might stop trying til i actually move to utah.

trying to feel like everything you're doing is actually what you're supposed to be doing, and not letting the little evil devil of self-doubt overtake your once confirmed and enlightened decisions - exhausting.

also, i think it's time i get my thyroid levels checked again, my medication may be off since my doc added an additional med...i've been really tired lately. thyroid imbalance may be contributing to my otherwise exhausting life.

can you tell, i'm basically exhausted....

but really really happy about the big changes happening in my life.

so cheers my friends. i'm pretty sure life is always pretty much exhausting. and that's a good thing. if i wasn't tired and working hard at a lot of things, that would be far worse.

"My dear brothers and sisters, don’t get discouraged if you stumble at times. Don’t feel downcast or despair if you don’t feel worthy to be a disciple of Christ at all times. The first step to walking in righteousness is simply to try. We must try to believe. Try to learn of God: read the scriptures; study the words of His latter-day prophets; choose to listen to the Father, and do the things He asks of us. Try and keep on trying until that which seems difficult becomes possible—and that which seems only possible becomes habit and a real part of you."

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I climbed these mountains in Peru. The first day, I thought I was going to die. We started our hike out at over 7,000 feet altitude and summited at over 15,000 feet the first day. I was fat and out of shape. I had not trained...I mean really, who just goes to Peru right after winter semester of 16 credits, internship, no workouts, and thinks they're gonna be able to hike 50 miles? I was carrying a 20 pound pack. I repeat, I thought I was going to die, and that even if I did survive the first day, the next 12 would surely be the most miserable of my life. 

I learned a lot of important lessons that day - both spiritual and otherwise. They put my pack on a donkey, I drank lots of water, walked slowly with my Dad next to me the whole time, and guess what? I freaking conquered those mountains - ONE. STEP. AT. A. TIME. 

I think others on the trip secretly thought I wasn't going to make it and wondered why I was even there trying. I doubted myself every morning I woke up and thought about the next 10 grueling hours. But guess what happened? Every single day that I got up on that stupid, beautiful, untouched by white-men mountain, put on my hiking boots and took a step forward, I CONQUERED. 

There is a lot to say about that trip 3.5 years ago, but suffice it to say, I CAN CONQUER. I can do hard things. As long as I am putting one step in front of the other, it doesn't really matter how long it takes, how hard it is, how high I have to climb, how much my lungs hurt or how I can't sleep because of lack of oxygen while camping at 15,000 feet high...I'm moving forward. I don't always know where the trail will take me, and sometimes, as President Uchtdorf said, we do stumble, but as long as we keep trying, as long as we persist at taking one step at a time, that which is difficult becomes possible. 

And I think that's really just the story and lesson of life. Learning such principles over and over and over prepare us for our true and greater potential in God's plan. But why do we forget that when the task ahead seems too difficult or scary? Why do we stumble sometimes when we look at the insurmountable mountain? Why does God have to constantly hit us over the head with sledge hammer to get us to remember things? Silly silly mortals we are. Good thing He loves us, and keeps walking with us every step of the way, just like my Dad did for 12 days in Peru. 

Eventually, we make it. 

a dark sunday afternoon

ok friends, so I know it's been ages since I last blogged - life get's busy, ya know. sorry for my slacking in the blogging department.

right now, it's 5:09 pm on sunday afternoon, and it's almost dark outside already. what a shame. winter is here. the mountains are covered in snow, and our cars were covered in ice this morning. yes, it's true, i'm in utah and winter is here. good thing i'm flying back to california on tuesday. i know i'm crazy for moving to utah on the cusp of winter, but in reality, i won't be in utah too much until the beginning of the year. so realistically, i only have to survive january - march of coldness...then the sporadic snowstorms thru, oh, probably June. haha. 

the last few weeks have been insanely busy. getting ready to move. cleaning out my apartment. dejunking my life. working like a maniac. selling my car. looking for a bigger car so i can do wedding deliveries (and let me tell you what...I just did a wedding this past weekend, and could barely pull it off in my Mom's nissan armada, which is a huge car. this could mean trouble in the car shopping department). actually driving and moving all my stuff to utah. living out of boxes. doing flowers for a wedding. planning another wedding in utah on november 26th. trying to figure out school stuff, ie. if I'm actually going to start taking grad school pre-reqs or not come january. where to live. find a part-time job to pay the freaking bills. ya know, just life. 

no updates on the magical first date guy from conference weekend. haven't seen or talked to him since I got back to utah. supposidly he has the flu. who knows. i've also been spending a lot of time talking to this other guy I met online (surprisingly, they're not ALL crazy, even though there are plenty of the crazies out there). he seems to be pretty fantastic. too bad he lives in new mexico. but, he's probably flying to california for a weekend here pretty soon, ie. before i move to utah. so that is potentially kind of a big deal. wowzers. 

i don't really have too much else to report. it's been a whirlwind. i definitely have plenty of emotions about everything thats happening in my life right now, but just not much to say about them all. change is good. change is hard. i can do it. all that's left to say is this: 

"Faith is not knowing what the future holds, it's knowing who holds the future."

I believe in that, whole-heartedly. Otherwise, I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing.