wowzers.

I’ve made a new friend this week, and he makes me so happy, yet at the same time, my heart aches for him.

He loves music, and loves recording it. He loves listening to the good stuff from the 50’s and 60’s.

He has these intensely beautiful brown eyes that just melt my heart and are definitely a window to his soul. Along with his gorgeous smile, which is starting to make its way out more frequently, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But he is full of pain. Deep, intense pain from a lifetime of broken relationships, disappointments and proof day in and day out that love does not exist in his world. So. So. So. Sad. But don’t you worry, there are plenty of people working on him right now.

You’re all getting all excited now right? Slow down. I didn’t say any of this was in a romantic way. I love this man for sure, but not in the dating sort of way. But I tell you what –experiencing even a small piece of the love the Savior feels for this special person –wow! Unreal! That is what I have been feeling for him this week. And it rocks my socks off! It has been reminding me of that love that I felt for total strangers everywhere I went as a missionary.

True charity is much more of a rarity than it should be in this world. We struggle so much to be filled with that type of love, even as members of Christ’s church and having the blessing of the gift of the Holy Ghost. How much greater would this world honestly be if we all had a little bit more love. We are divine beings, and we are capable of such greatness, so much powerful love and kindness. We need that more in our lives, every single day.

Back to this new friend of mine…he is a stud to say the least. He is just grappling onto the smallest pieces of light and hope that he can find, and making a big change, little by little. I am incredibly blessed by his example and his faith (which he doesn’t quite yet realize that he has). Having never fallen too far away from the gospel myself (at least not off the deep end, or not really lost hope or my underlying faith), I am constantly amazed when I see people come back and grasp on for dear life. It is the most amazing, miraculous thing that I think one can ever witness. Seriously. That is happening for this friend right now. And I love it.

It makes me giddy inside, and out. Last night after we sat and talked in my car for a couple hours after our drive back from Taco Tuesday, I went home and could barely contain myself. My heart was aching for him to be filled with God’s love and with that hope of the gospel that he so desperately desires, but also rejoicing because he’s about to get smacked in the face with all full force and he has no idea what is about to hit him. So cool.

That’s all. The gospel is true. We are so blessed. God loves us. (Do I sound like a preachy missionary yet?) But really, come on people! Freak.

Confessions of a Cry Baby

I have a confession to make. It might sound so lame and childish, but it happened.


I left Utah yesterday morning after spending 4.5 blissfully wonderful days with my family over the weekend. It was awesome. But, I literally cried all the way from Orem to Nephi, UT while driving. For those of you unfamiliar with Utah’s geography, that is about 45 minutes to 1 hour-ish. Due to construction on I-15, it was an hour yesterday. And I’m not saying a few slowly rolling tears down one cheek, I mean full on, uncontrollable sobbing. The kind where you can’t really breathe, and your stomach is heaving, and you can barely see. All of those things are dangerous while driving. But I couldn’t stop it. They just kept coming out.

You may ask why? Well, it was a combination of things. Let me explain.

You are already aware of my previously and numerously mentioned times about my aching loneliness in my life. When I go home (not literally home to Utah, but to my FAMILIA), that loneliness disappears. Being with my family fills most of that gaping hole in my life. There is nothing like having that unconditional love and acceptance that exists in a family. They are my world!

Having my little brother (who is not so little anymore) cuddle up in bed with me every night while I was home, and giving me hugs over and over and over, and ditching his friends all weekend to just hang out with me – that is so beyond priceless. Or having my little sister cuddle up with me every night too on my other side, and telling me about her date earlier that night, and her fears about having to grow up and move out next year – priceless. Being able to cuddle up next to my Mom and Dad, and talk to them about my fears and concerns and just life, and knowing that they actually really do get it, they understand – priceless.

We didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. In fact, the entire weekend was quite ordinary. We curled up together on my parents’ bed like we do every year and watched conference together. Mom made yummy pancakes for breakfast like she always does for conference or the typical Sunday morning. We went on our Saturday Costco run and had lunch at Zupa’s (my favorite restaurant!), and watched NCIS on DVD at night. The girls and Josh went out to dinner during priesthood session, like we always do, then we watched Tangled together. So stinkin’ cute. We cuddled and had tickle fights. We made 2 quilts during conference sessions and delivered them. It was a perfectly ordinary general conference weekend, and was perfectly perfect.

The comfort of the ordinary-ness of home. My parents’ house will always smell the same. It will always be impossible to find a pair of scissors in their house. The carb cupboard will always be full of yummy and unhealthy junk food for late night consumption. The ceramic mugs that we’ve collected over the years will always be in the same place. People will always dump their stuff in the same spots, year after year after year. Mom will still love planting flowers every spring, even when she knows it will probably snow the next day (like it did this weekend!). Dad will always be a workaholic, constantly dabbling in a million things and somehow constantly serving others. They will continue to amaze me at their capacity for goodness, love and kindness.

It is so comfortable. It is safety. And warmth. And love. It is inner peace. It is home.

Now, back to the unsafe sobbing while driving at high freeway speeds. I had to leave all of that beauty. All of the wonderful, homely, comforting bliss. I couldn’t even make it from my parents’ house to the freeway before it started. So, it is a combination of missing all of that, but mashed up with the fact that there is nothing in life that causes me more fear or anxiety than the thought of having to face the rest of my life alone, with no companion to share it with. That thought and possible reality scares the (excuse my language) hell out of me. Nothing could be worse than that to me. A life of solitude and heartache. I yearn so deeply for love, for companionship, for a beautiful, eternal marriage and eternal family.

Being home made me realize again how much I desire that. I would honestly say that it is my deepest desire in life right now. And general conference obviously made me think about it a lot too – tons of people spoke about us single members getting married, and how awesome the women of the church are, and blah blah blah. It all struck me to the core, and came exploding from my tear ducts when I left. If I could look at myself when it was happening, it probably would’ve been a pretty pathetic scene. But nonetheless, it happened.

Then Heavenly Father and I had a pretty good intense heart to heart for a few hours of my drive. He didn’t tell me when or even if I would get married in this life, and find those things that I yearn for. But He told me it would be ok, that it would all work out because He has promised me multiple times throughout my life that it will. He didn’t make the pain go away, because he usually doesn’t. But He made it bearable. He let me know that I could live each day with strength and fervor and love for life and others as I strive to serve them. He let me know that I just need to keep going, one day at a time. He let me know that I am in fact not failing at my calling, and told me to just keep trying, and that He’d continue to help me day by day as I do my best. Most importantly, He gently reassured me that HE loves me, and that that fact is enough. HIS love is enough. It always has been and it always will be. It is the sustaining force in my life, that is present in everything around me – and at some point, it will be present by the companionship of that special person.



So that’s it, sorry for the killer long post. That’s my confession. I cry like a baby when I leave my family. I talk to God for hours on end while driving by myself. Sometimes I am a complete and utter emotional wreck (frequently actually). And I’m happy. And the Gospel and God’s love is the underlying power to everything in my life. True confessions.

Off to Zion

That last post about the recent changes in my life really deserved a lot more attention and details, but I didn't have the time nor the appropriate Internet access. It's too hard to blog from my phone, and I STILL don't have access at my apartment....I hate you AT&T. Boo!

I'm coming to Utah this weekend to join the saints of Zion...jk. Ok not really joking, I'm coming. But I'll sit in my PJ's all weekend and watch conference at home on my parent's bed or big blue canoodling couch, with breakfast on my lap (either Mom's yummy waffles drowning in ooey-gooey maple syrup or Ernie's breakfast sandwich). Yum.

I'll head on over to my mission reunion Friday night and remember those oh so distant, incredible times back in the Baltics. What a sweet treat. i'm even going to go home and look at my mission scrapbook and journal tonight. Sometimes I forget what a miracle that was every single day. I can't believe the things I really did through God's power. Freaking amazing.

Mostly, I'm just stoked to see my family though. I've been sort of homesick for my family lately. I don't get like that very often. It's even more weird though because my brother and sis-in-law just moved to California a block away from me, and I've only really been homesick since they moved here. Is that weird or what? Anywho, it will just be a nice break from the insanity that I call my life.

PS, I'm really lonely. And I've been feeling it a lot lately. I'm surrounded by people all the time. I work to serve others all day every day, but I'm still so lonely. There are a lot of days when I really feel like my life doesn't matter to anybody, not another single human being. Then, somehow, Heavenly Father reminds me that He loves me, and it doesn't really matter too much if I feel like nobody else does. His love sustains me, especially in the deepest darkest times of loneliness. I know it will change, but lately, it's been aching. Significantly.

That's all. Oh, and I have a sinus infection. The first one since I moved to California though. Last winter in Utah I had 5 sinus infections. Gross. I forgot how awful that is. I haven't been able to breath, smell, taste, sleep, think or even remotely focus for the past 2 days.

Sorry, I sound like I'm complaining. I'm not, just stating what's happening in my life right now. On an ending positive note - it's totally gorgeous and sunny outside, 62 degrees, and it's quitting time. Home I go for dinner, sudafed, antibiotics and sleep.

See you soon!

just life

I'm cutting back to part-time in June and moving towards more of an office manager side of things.

I got a part-time/contract job as a wedding florist out of Dana Point.

I'm going to floral design school in Anaheim in June.

My boss almost had a heart attack when I told him. He's better now though.

Um, that's it. I hit a wall, and decided I had to change some things. So I did. And Heavenly Father put some great opportunities in my path. I know He wants us to be happy in our lives and helps us to do so when we put a little bit of faith into action.

Now I need to find a man.

Brian, it's coming...

A couple weeks ago I promised my friend Brian that his special post was coming, one written just for him...well, it's still in the revision stage. But don't worry, it's coming. I promise.



In other news - I took a physical and mental sick day this week. My body refused to function anymore. Monday afternoon it hit me. I just crashed. So I stayed at work til 5, then took off and went home. I lied in bed until Tuesday late afternoon. Literally. A solid 24 hours of just sleeping and recuperating from my life. Let me tell you what, it was fantastic. It made it so much easier to get through the rest of the week. Although I still took a 2 hour nap when I got off work today. Awesome.

We survived the tsunami of 2011. They closed all the beaches in San Clemente today as a precaution and have really just been having big waves and strong currents today. I'm glad we made it, at work today my boss and I asked the magic 8 ball if we would survive, and it said "cannot predict now." We were a little nervous, but since we made it we decided on Monday we probably need to make t-shirts that say I survived the California 2011 Tsunami. ;)

Um, this is random. I'm done.

oh the simple joys of children

friends, family, readers...I'm sorry I've been a downer lately. I don't mean to be ms. moaning all the time, but I'm honestly just completely burnt out. not good.

however, today has been quite fun, seriously. long, but fun. I had my two hours of personal time and finally got my hair cut and colored - it was in need of some serious attention. I left looking good and feeling slightly renewed, yet still exhausted.

Ran to the chiropractor, got my back adjusted and felt a little better again.

Ran to the grocery store, picked up all the essentials for a great beach bonfire hot dog and s'mores party and then went and picked up the kids. yes, that's right. the kids.

It's my bosses anniversary tomorrow, so I offered to babysit overnight so he could actually have night off and enjoy a little bit of relaxation with his wife, away from crazy crazy crazy beyond stressful work, away from his hectic full-time job (that of being the Bishop) and being a loving father of 5 beautiful children. I'm exhausted with my life, I can't even imagine how he feels. so I'm a pushover and am spending my weekend sorta still working??? it's really just serving though, and I feel good.

his 4 kids are spending the night (and are soundly sleeping as I write this) with me at my place by the beach. it's awesome. we had a great time at the beach. yummy hot dogs, and fruits and veggies, and s'mores. yum. yum. yum. then we came back, popped in a good disney flick, changed into jammies and off to bed they went. GOOD. KIDS. holy cow. i hope I can raise such good kids someday. i love them!

their youngest is named maggie, she's four, all about pink and was a little concerned that her sweater didn't match her shirt, but spits out the funniest things I've ever heard. she's quite precocious for being only 4. i love it. she also has just been putting things into perspective for me all night. it's amazing. she was quite determined to roast her own marshmallow, and then proceeded to light it on fire multiple times. clapped her hands and cheered "yeah I cooked my marshmallow! I lit it on fire Beth! How cool is that?!!!" then she ate it like a champ, said she liked the crunchy taste and burnt about 5 more marshmallows. or when I forgot the ketchup at home, she cheered "yeah you forgot the ketchup! we can put extra pickles on it then!" like literally nothing in the world can get her down. she's one of the happiest, most cheerful little kids I've ever met, and I mean that. I can't help but smile every time I look at her. and this was her first time really meeting me or spending time with me, and she's attached to my leg. she just loves so openly. we're best friends now by the way. she might not even want to go home tomorrow.   ;)  jk

oh, and to put that extra little cherry on top - a friend of mine that I met a couple of months before my mission is getting baptized in a week. that is worthy of an entire post, so I'll save it for later. but his phone call made my night, my week, maybe even my month, maybe even a long long time. but like I said, another day another story.

Now it's 10:23, the kids are asleep and I'm heading off to bed soon. let's just hope they sleep in cuz it's saturday.   :)  cuz I'm still exhausted, and could use a good 10 hours of sleep tonight.

longest. week. ever. (or one of them...)

remember last week, Tuesday to be precise, when I had a major  meltdown here on my blog......I thought the week was gonna get better...but this week just got worse. I'm done. Completely burnt out. The end. I can't handle it anymore. I repeat, the end.

That is all.