Sorry for all you readers waiting for the news.....

Today absolutely got away from me, and my internet at my apartment has been acting up. So this will be brief in hopes of getting you the news on my life....

1. I officially resigned from both my jobs today....ie. gave my 2-weeks notice.
2. I posted my car for sell on craigslist. com and sold it 5 hours later. Goodbye little green hornet! Thanks for a great 9 years of driving me everywhere and taking very good care of me.
3. Sold my apartment contract...hopefully - still crossing my fingers on that one to go through for sure.

Can you guess what's happening yet? Here - let me give you some beautiful, visual clues....

That's right....I'm moving to California....in approximately 3 weeks! San Clemente, CA to be precise. It's in South Orange County for those of you who are unfamiliar. 

I'll fill in the details later. I need to get to bed.

Love to all. 

The Art of Writing

When I was a freshman in college, my English professor told me that I absolutely must take a creative writing class, because she loved my writing and thought that my writing showed so much passion. I never took her up on that advice – couldn’t ever seem to fit it into my schedule because it was unnecessary – but now I wish I would’ve invested in that.  I’ve always known that I was a solid writer, but never thought I was a good writer. I want to work on it.

My Uncle Bruce was a great writer. He was a poet actually. I have a book of his poems that he wrote during his short life of 27 years. I was never able to meet him, seeing that he died when my dad was only 12 years old. However, as I read his poetry, I can certainly catch a glimpse into who he was as a person and the things he treasured and thought about. 

I would like my posterity to be able to do the same. I’ve never been a big journal writer though. Even on my mission, the only times I really wrote in my journal was when I was upset and needed an outlet. So if my kids ever read my mission journal, they would probably feel like my mission was so awful and hard…When in reality it was the best time of my life. So, I would like to start to develop my writing skills. I want to learn to more effectively express myself through words. How does one learn these skills? Practice, right?

Jello and Biking and Life, Oh my!

Blogging is starting to become a release for me. I've still got a long way to go with the whole writing thing, but I'm beginning to realize I love it!

But this week I've had to really take it a step further. Writing is not quite enough. I need something more physical. Although I work 2 office jobs and am usually sitting at a computer most of the day, today I moved furniture all day. It felt good, even though moving office furniture around isn't really your typical exercise.

I'm done with the stress of school (for the next couple years at least), done with the stress of my internship, and am just working full-time. However, other things have been stressing me out this week and I needed to get it out.

I went to Bruce's funeral on Monday, which was super sad, as funerals always are. On Sunday, my baby brother (ok, he happens to be 21), told me he's getting married in August. Today, I got an email from my dearest friend Megan...who also happens to be getting married in August. Sue also happens to be getting married last week of July. "Everybody is getting married." This is a totally wonderful thing, and I couldn't be happier for these 6 people! I'm totally stoked that they really have each found their match.

But today, I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep it together. I needed a physical outlet bad! So I went and did something that I've been dreading, avoiding, and making excuses about for a long time - I bought a gym pass to 24 Hour Fitness! Now that I have time (again, that was an excuse...well, I really was insane this past semester, and hardly had time to even get bare minimum amounts of sleep), I'm determined to get back into shape! Not to mention I'm gonna look super hot at all these weddings this summer. I want to feel good, to have energy, and to learn to love my body again in all its curvaceous, womanly splendor.

Then, to top off the gym pass....which I actually didn't use today...I went outside and rode my bike 15 miles. I got a little iPod shuffle that just clips right on to anything and is super lightweight, and off I went. I actually did this on Tuesday as well - rode for 2 hours. On Wednesday I was too tired from shocking my body after months of laziness, so I gave myself a day off, then rode again today. It was awesome. I rode down to South Provo, out to the lake, then up the Provo river trail to north Provo, then back home to my apartment in downtown Provo. I'm exhausted, and my legs feel like jello right now, but it's a good exhaustion.

It really helped me just work out and let go of my negative, confused emotions today. Rather than crying and giving myself a headache, I decided it was time to channel that energy into something much better. By the time I got back, I didn't feel like crying anymore about weddings or a certain pitiful jerk-face guy in my life...I just felt good, energized, and all-around better. I could get used to this.

Wow...I feel empowered just writing this to myself. GO ME!

I know it'll take time to really kick myself back into shape, but it's about time.

True about our world today?

I read a book called The Things They Carried, by Tim O'Brien. It's a vivid memoir of the Vietnam War. He says the following...and although he's speaking about the war, I feel like it's very reflective of the world we are now living in on a daily basis. What do you think?

"There is no clarity. Everything swirls. The old rules are no longer binding, the old truths no longer true. Right spills over into wrong. Order blends into chaos, love into hate, ugliness into beauty, law into anarchy, civility into savagery...the only certainty is overwhelming ambiguity."

I'm grateful for the clarity and truth the restored Gospel brings into my life.

"I Am"

I found this poem recently in a folder of things I thought were worth saving. I wrote it my freshman year for an english 101 assignment. I don't even remember the specifics of the assignment...but sometimes I forget that I can actually write when I want to. Apparently my teacher liked it, because I got an awesome grade. It's called, "I Am."


I am courageous and honest. I am lost.
I am noble and unselfish. I am fortunate. I am moved.
The conflict of the deepest of my soul,
I am sorry I hurt you.
There are things I must tell you - I was frightened.
I am asking for an apology.
I look at your heart, not your hands.
I shall try to do what is right and speak what is true,
To aspire to the highest with one part of myself.
Deep down the fear, the pain and suffering, they are a secret.
But it must not alter the course that is right.
Kindness and love, they are a secret.
Kindness and love can pay for pain and suffering.
There is no life without suffering.
In my suffering I can believe.
Hope and encouragement, comfort and strength,
Aspiration is thus made easy.
Willing and obedient, I shall try to do what is right and speak what is true.
I am sorry my friend.
I am courageous and honest.
I am lost.
I am noble and unselfish. I am fortunate. I am moved.
I am.

Monday mournings.....yes, not mornings

Today was definitely a case of the Mondays...

I don't want to complain here, but honestly, it's just been kind of a sad, hard week. And I need to let it out somewhere.

On Tuesday, May 18, 2010, Arthur Bruce Neeley passed away from this life, at the young age of 59. Bruce is my little Neeley-chka's dad. Megs and I served together in the Baltics, and I've been so blessed to be roommates with her the past year and a half. I had the privilege of meeting Bruce just 2 or 3 times, briefly - but this man was truly one of a kind. Megs would always tell me stories about Bruce. I was always in awe of what a good man he was. So loving, so kind, so dedicated and passionate about everything he did. His family was of the utmost importance to him, and so was his faith. I loved hearing stories about Bruce & Linda's mission in San Jose. I've cried a lot this week. Cried for the loss of a good man. Cried for my dearest Megan, and Shannon, and Kristin, Art, Allison, and Linda. Cried because I wish there was something I could do for them. But there is nothing. Loss in this life is inevitable. Pain is inevitable. Grieving is inexplicably important. Experiencing that part of life helps us to grow...but it still sucks.

I cried last night with my girlfriends. I wanted to cry when I woke up this morning, May 24, and there were massive amounts of snow piled on my car, and it was still coming down hard. I cried at Bruce's memorial service before the burial at the Brigham City Cemetery. I cried when I finally got to see Megan for the first time in weeks. I cried when she hugged me, and then sat and with her beautiful smile and unshakable strength and faith told me that she was really at peace with everything that had happened, and that she didn't want me to be worried about her because she really was doing ok.

I wanted to cry when I got back to the funeral home and realized I locked my keys in the car and had to pay a locksmith too much money to get him to open the door. I had lunch with a dear friend in Logan after the burial, and I wanted to cry when I had to say goodbye. This friend has been in my life since 2004, and means the world to me, but I don't get to see this person nearly enough.

I cried today because my little brother has type 1 diabetes....and I wish I could take that away from him. I wish I could suffer so he doesn't have to. I cried today because I'm lonely. I cried today because I've been to a bazillion weddings lately - I want to be loved by someone, who loves me completely, for who I am and what I am, and for what I'm not, and for what I may become.

Basically, I cried a lot today. I've been an emotional basket-case this weekend. But tomorrow is a new day....and hopefully it's not snowing again when I wake up, because if it is, I'll likely crawl back into bed and shirk all adult responsibilities until mother nature decides to calm down and be agreeable again.

Sorry this wasn't the most upbeat post. It was mostly for myself, to just get it out and move on. Sometimes we just have those days, right?

Death is sad. Grief is real and good for us. God is keenly aware of me, and my life - and of each one of His children. Sometimes it snows really really hard in May, then the next day it's supposed to be 75 degrees. Sometimes, there are people that you love dearly, and don't know how to express it. All part of the beautiful process called life.

Graduation

Sorry it's been about a month since I last posted. Life got crazy for a while, but things are mellowing out a little bit now. So, I graduated from BYU - amazing miracle! I moved to a new apartment, bought 2 fish, killed 2 fish, still have 2 large boxes in my car that are full of books and I'm to weak to carry them up all the stairs, bought some books to read for pure pleasure and actually started reading them, and  am slowly rediscovering me. The pure, essential me, separated from school, jobs, internships, others expectations, etc. Just me. I'm not quite there, and I think it'll take my whole life, and is a continual process of rediscovering - but what it comes down to is that it's been good. Here are a few pics to enjoy.

By the way, I'm going to start revamping my blog. I may or may not post again for a while until construction is finished. Thanks for sticking with me.  :)